Oh fearful world, oh friendless world, a Savior is found

"You who are lonely, laden, forlorn--

Now unto you, A Savior is born!"

 --carol of joy. 

[a piece of me, by caitlin connolly

not explicitly a picture of Mary and the baby Jesus, but I think it works.]

Six. One. Six.

Thanksgiving time is always full of nostalgia for me, now more than ever.

Around six years ago, the day before Thanksgiving, I got a letter that changed the course of my life, as I found out I would be serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Donetsk, Ukraine. The experiences I had there, the people I met there, touched my soul in ways I never would have thought possible. Six years later, I can't throw it away.

[With my mission call, six years ago.]

Almost a year ago exactly, Sam got down on one knee on a beautiful, sunny, blue-skied, November Sunday and proposed to me in a quiet Maryland park. He didn't know he was going to propose that day until he woke up and thought, "I'm going to propose to Megan today." We had talked about getting married, but we were both expecting a later engagement. But he proposed. Spontaneously, without a ring (but with a call to my father). Without warning. He proposed. And I wouldn't have had it any other way.

[About an hour after getting engaged.]

And then, six months ago (exactly), Sam and I got married on a sunny day in late May. And soon after that, he moved up with me to Princeton. It has been quite the ride. I find it is hard to talk about marriage on social media (or even in my journal) without descending into cliches, and I will try not to here. But I will say that I am grateful for Sam's courage, curiosity, and kindness. He is incredible for making the choice not only to love me, but to move up here to Princeton, despite the fact that it took him away from connections and friends. We've both learned a lot these past six months. They have been beautiful, stretching, and deepening in ways both expected and unexpected.

So this weekend, I am grateful. I am grateful for graceful November days that bring surprises and bright May days that bubble over with goodness and happiness.  I am grateful for opportunities to learn and grow and stretch and become more than you realized. I am grateful for humility. I am grateful for dreams. I am grateful for a body that can walk, run, dance, kiss, embrace, cry, laugh, blush, touch, eat, and sleep. I am grateful for the support and care of family and friends. I am grateful that none of us is ever alone, and for connections that span across miles, years, and differences. I am grateful for eternal possibilities and capacities. And I am grateful for the ways love feels--comfortable, terrifying, powerful, simple, familiar, and new.

Wedding photos by Justin Hackworth

a stream of words [five]

/one./
//two.//
///three.///
////four.////


it's been awhile since i've just put down thoughts, just letting go and letting words, thoughts, phrases, ideas come out onto the empty screen. i thought i'd try it again. especially since it's the time of the semester when there's just too much to do and deliverables to deliver, but then again, have i even started reading any of the books for my final paper? hahaaaa. that's a funny question to ask. good thing princeton has a weird schedule, right? actually, the weird schedule kind of stinks and i'd much rather be done with my papers before Christmas break, but here we are and everything's due in january. but i guess that gives me more time to procrastinate, which, you know, is what i'm doing right now.

as i'm preparing my general exams reading lists, i kind of feel like i'm writing my own death sentence (and sentences like these make me wonder why i'm not on twitter). but really. preparing around three hundred books to read over the course of next semester feels incredibly sadistic. i mean. i've read most of these books. but some of them i don't want to read again--or at least dread reading again because they're 600 pages. like. no.

for thanksgiving, sam and i visited family in maryland. there were about ten children between all of the families, and sometimes while i was reading for school, one of the little girls would come up and ask me to play or why i was reading so much or why i was still in school. i discovered (again) that explaining a phd is kind of a hard thing to explain to children. they don't really care so much about what you know, more that you actually know that they exist and you care about them. but really. how do you explain "i'm getting a phd" to children?

more than that, how do you explain it to a lot of adults? it's really hard for people who have not experienced a phd to get just what is required of you. of course, i also think that phds can ask too much, and when they ask for your soul, you say no. a phd does not need your soul. which can be really hard to remember sometimes. but it doesn't. and that's the advice that i would really give to all of those lovely people who keep asking me for advice on princeton and other phd applications. no matter what, don't let this take your soul. don't let the crush of the application process, the expectations, the work, the lifestyle make you forget what makes you, you. it can be so hard to remember at times.

in other news, i made these incredibly succulent butternut squash pancakes with sage butter, and I WILL EVANGELIZE THEM TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN. but. i really will. mom, dad, and siblings, you are next. i will make them when i'm home for Christmas, and even if you don't like them, i will. and i will eat them all.

there are so many things i want to bake. so little time.

around this time of the semester, i start forgetting that i need to plan things. or that i have a planner. and i just forget to write things down. this is a problem. because, like money, whenever i budget out time, i found out i actually have more. surprise. (also, i've been reading a lot of history books about the late 19th century and becoming more and more horrified about how we've commodified time. like, before the 19th century, people did not "waste" time. they just "passed" time. now we manage, waste, save, budget, and spend time. it's freaky. also, when did consumption change from being tuberculosis to being what we buy? the questions that obsess a historian in training.)

there is something so soothing about Christmas lights. last night, sam and i got a tree (a very small tree) and decorated it. my favorite part is that now there are Christmas lights that cheer us in the living room. just looking at them is soothing. i can look up from reading or studying and look at those lights and just--ahh. i feel a bit of that peace. the same way my chests opens up a bit when i look out across an open landscape, or up at the mountains of utah county. those lights open up a place and make it easier. easier to breathe, dream, remember, and believe.

A vision too removed to mention

Last week, Sam and I went to see an Iron and Wine concert and I'm still thinking about it. (If you don't know any of Iron and Wine's music, I highly recommend it. It is beautiful, rich, relaxing, and deep.)

This was my first "real" concert (and Sam was happy to take me to it, since he absolutely loves music and concerts--I lucked out to marry someone cooler than I am), and it was really fun to hear an artist I love so much live. Bah. The concert was just so, so good.

The best part was when he started singing "The Trapeze Swinger," which is my favorite Iron and Wine song. It's just devastatingly beautiful. Here's a (clean) link to the song here.

When he started playing the opening guitar part, I almost lost it, I was so happy. It's a long song (from 7-9 minutes depending on the version), but I was loving every second of it.

. . . please remember me at Halloween 
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white, by midnight we'd
forgotten one another. 
And when the morning came I was ashamed
only now it seems so silly. 
That season left the world and then returned
and now you're lit up by the city. 

So please, remember me mistakenly 
in the window of the tallest tower call, 
then pass us by 
to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate 
just like the gates around the Holy Kingdom 
with words like "Lost and Found" and "Don't Look Down" 
and "Someone Save Temptation." 

And please, remember me as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like and even might
give a gift for your behavior
a fleeting chance to see 
a trapeze swing as high as any savior . . .

I don't know why I love this song so much, but I do. I really, really do. I love its fragility, sadness, and beauty. (I also love how relaxing it is and I can literally listen to it on a loop when I need to work/de-stress.)

Berlin birthday belatedness

Once upon a time, I was in Berlin for my birthday because of a conference.

Some friends took me around Berlin and bought me food and made me a cake.

I took pretty pictures.

The end.

Not really, though. This city is loaded with so much history. It just seeps through the cobblestone streets. I can't explain my feelings towards this city, but it is quite the place. And a place that I keep passing through, if only for a couple of days. 

All things know, all things go

Song for this post: "Chicago," by Sufjan Stevens

For Fall Break, Sam and I decided that we'd go to Chicago for a change of pace and to see some of our friends. Neither of us had gone to Chicago before, so it was fun to explore a new city together. It did not disappoint, and we left very happy that we decided to go. Sam is a good travel buddy.

Also, side note: I wrote a blog post, and then it didn't save, and so I can't remember what I wrote anymore the first time, so I'm just going to post some pretty pictures of Chicago and some of the top takeaways:

1. Go on the architectural boat tour. Seriously, it was so cool. Literally all of the people I asked for Chicago recommendations said we should go on this boat tour and it was the coolest.

2. The Bean really is super trippy and super cool.

3. HAMILTON WAS SO GOOD. My millennial dreams are fulfilled.

!!!!!!!

["She has crazy eyes." @me getting ready to watch Hamilton]

4. The food was a.maz.ing.

5. So were the views.

All in all, great couple of days in Chicago. I think we should do this again soon.

"God goes, belonging to every riven thing he's made
sing his being simply by being
the thing it is:
stone and tree and sky,
man who sees and sings and wonders why

God goes. Belonging, to every riven thing he's made,
means a storm of peace.
Think of the atoms inside the stone.
Think of the man who sits alone
trying to will himself into a stillness where

God goes belonging. To every riven thing he's made
there is given one shade
shaped exactly to the thing itself:
under the tree a darker tree;
under the man the only man to see

God goes belonging to every riven thing. He's made
the things that bring him near,
made the mind that makes him go.
A part of what man knows,
apart from what man knows,

God goes belonging to every riven thing he's made."

--Christian Wiman, "Every Riven Thing"

And we've got to get ourselves back to the garden

One of my favorite places in the Princeton area is Terhune Orchards. They have delicious produce year round, but fall is my favorite time because you can go apple picking.

We always end up picking more apples than we need--there's just something really fun about picking apples. Then you end up getting a bushel, and you just don't know what you're going to do with them all. (Although apple pies are always a good option.)

There's something about apple picking that makes me feel like Snow White and Eve. I guess the comparison's not completely off-base. There's always more about Eve, though. And recently, I've been thinking more about her story. Something to do with the way fall feels like a new beginning. Something about the way fall intertwines death and life. Something to do with possibilities and fullness and harvest.

October Montage

Autumn came late this year, so I've been trying to soak it all in now that it's come in all of its chilly, golden glory. This includes running along the toe path, wearing woolen sweaters, praising pumpkins, and trying new soup recipes (tonight we made French Onion Soup and I'm really pleased with how it turned out), and baking pies.

[Fall comes to Princeton]

I'm always impressed with how Princeton just seems made for fall. And the afternoons where I can steal away from the library and read outside? Those are practically perfect in every way.

[Study break]

Also, last week, there was a FALL FEST that I didn't even know was happening until my friend saw me studying in the carrel room and said, "Did you know that there is a FALL FEST going on?" I did not, but I was ready to go find it. FALL FEST ended up being the highlight of my week. Because 1) fall, 2) good friends, and 3) free apple cider donuts.

[FALL FEST with friends]

[Best. Donuts. Ever.]

[A very happy Megan.]

I'd be happy if these days lasted forever, but since I know they won't, I'll try to enjoy them amidst coursework et. al.