Years and Decades

New Year's Eve is one of my favorite days of the year, because it allows me to reflect on the old year and plan for/think about the coming one. And I am nothing if not self-reflective.

The end of this year in particular is poignant because it marks the end of a decade. (I know, I know, technically the new decade doesn't start until 2021, but let me have my moment, okay?) Maybe it's just me, but I feel like not as many people were excited about 2010? I specifically remember everyone being reallllly excited for 2000, and it seems like people are really excited for 2020, but I cannot remember the hype for 2010. Or maybe it was there and I just don't remember it.

This year has been challenging. It is hard for me to publicly write about challenges as they are happening (especially if those challenges are more chronic that crisis in nature). But 2019 has been hard. Waiting is hard. And all you can do sometimes is keep moving forward.

There have been good moments, too, like passing my general exams (hooray!), visiting with family and friends, traveling to Chile, having a good internship with the Office of the Historian at the State Department, and finally putting together a dissertation committee and feeling like maybe, just maybe, I have some kind of grasp on this PhD thing.

When I look back on this decade, I am amazed at how much happened. How much I did and how many people I met and the woman I became over this decade and who I am still becoming. If I could choose a theme for this decade, it would be something along the lines of, "I'm glad I didn't get what I wanted at age 19 by age 20." There are so many turning points that happened to me this decade. Where or who would I be without going to Cambridge? Without meeting so many dear friends at BYU? Without going to BYU? Without the decision to serve a mission? Without UKRAINE? Without deciding to go to grad school? Without going to Oxford? Without meeting, dating, and marrying Sam? Without deciding to go to Princeton and choosing to still stick with this PhD?

[Typical Megan ca. 2010]

[Typical Megan ca. now--my hair is the same length as it was about 10 years ago. haha.]

It's impossible to truly know the counterfactuals. And honestly? I don't think I want to know. I'm sure that without those experiences, life would have still been good and beautiful. But there is a richness from those experiences that has made my life so complete and which has given me a good launching pad for the next decade of my life.

And so, Happy New Year. I hope that 2020 gives you good and beautiful things. And that you get reminders of your worth, of your potential, and of how much you are loved.

A thrill of hope

This December, Sam and I have celebrated the Advent season in our home and have had friends come over to celebrate it with us. (Most people who read this will know what Advent is, but for those who don't, it is more than just a countdown calendar--although those are certainly fun. It is a Christian celebration of preparing for the life, teachings, love, and Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Advent is celebrated the four Sundays before Christmas, and there is usually an Advent wreath with lit candles involved.)

Honoring Advent has been a lovely, warm way to prepare for Christmas in our home. I find that there are some years--and some times of life (being a student one of them)--where it is harder to prepare yourself emotionally and spiritually for Christmas. What I like about the Advent tradition is that it allows for reflection and time to slow down in a time of year filled with busy-ness (and business). It allows for a time to critically think about your relationships with God, others, and yourself.

This year, celebrating Advent has been a way for me to turn my thoughts to Christ, and to think about the ways He brings hope, peace, joy, love, and light into this world. It has also helped me think more critically about the definitions of hope, peace, joy, and love, and to come to terms more with the ways hope and despair; peace and discord; joy and distress; and love and indifference are tied together. It has helped me have more courage to confront darkness with resolve, while believing that the light will come.

Advent is about the waiting. We are all waiting for something. And waiting is hard. That waiting and longing for peace, for healing, for things to resolve themselves, for justice . . . it is hard. Advent acknowledges that we are all waiting, but it also asks us to think about what waiting looks like. How do we wait? Advent is about longing, certainly. It is about the longing for a better world. But it is about working for that better world. It is also about coming to the joint realization that there is only so much your hands and heart can do, but at the same time, the only hands and hearts God has ever had to work with are hands and hearts like ours.

How do we wait? It is about recognizing the opposition in all things. Advent is about loss and sorrow, while also being about beauty and grace.

How do we wait? We live with radical love. We hold the ambiguity and uncertainty of our lives with humility, patience, and courage. We face the world with bravery, choosing to take joy with gratitude and sorrow without resentment.

Tonight, we'll light the last candle, symbolizing love--the love of Christ, the love of god which sent Christ into the world to live and die for us. The love which binds the world and heals our hearts and fills us with light. Sometimes it is hard to feel that love--hard to feel love for (or from) ourselves, others, or God. But part of Christmas is believing that love is there. And that it has the power to change lives. If it does anything, the Christmas story reminds me where love is found--in small, simple, unremarkable places; but that those people and places are sanctified through the love, touch, and arrival of God.

Thinking about the small and simple ways love makes itself grandly manifest in our lives reminds me of a quote by the literary critic Terry Eagleton:

"Salvation turns out to be an embarrassingly prosaic affair--a matter of feeding the hungry, giving drink to the thirsty, welcoming the stranger, and visiting the imprisoned. It has no 'religious' glamour or aura whatsoever. Anybody can do it. The key to the universe turns out to be not some shattering revelation. [. . .] The cosmos revolves on comforting the sick. When you act in this way, you are sharing in the love which built the stars."

There are so many different ways to view love. Love is grand, but love is simple. It is through those ties that bind us to each other; it is love which ultimately heals us and brings us back to the presence of God.

It is love that we wait for, and it is love that comes to us as a gift, even (especially) when we are far from deserving it. It strengthens, it comforts, it supports, it fills, it heals.

[j. kirk richards, christ among the lepers

/via/]

Whatever your beliefs this holiday season, I wish you hope, peace, joy, and love. And in whatever you are waiting for, I hope you find direction, resolve, courage, and comfort during the waiting.

Merry Christmas.

NYC at Christmas

I've never experienced New York City at Christmas time. Even though I've lived in the NYC metropolitan area for about 2.5 years now, I still haven't made the trek up to the city to see the lights and bask in Christmas cheer. I figured that this was the year to do it.

Most of our day was spent walking (Sam tracked about 20,000 steps!). But when we stopped, it was for food and Christmas lights.

Food stop 1: Katz's Delicatessen.

Katz's is basically semi-controlled anarchy. But, their pastrami sandwich was worth the chaos. 

Food stop 2: Fabrique Bakery. 

I wanted to try a kardemummabullar ever since I saw Henry on this year's Great British Bakeoff make them. They looked so good. I tried making them, but I messed up on the dough rise, and so I ended up with really heavy cardamom buns. 

This is what they're supposed to look like. 

And they taste so, SO GOOD. Definitely worth the trip and the extra 20 minutes to have a new batch come out of the oven. 10/10 recommend. 

[and this Swedish bakery is just so cozy.]

Last stop: The Christmas lights. 

I wasn't expecting the Christmas tree (the tree) at Rockefeller Center to be as incredible as it was, but I was utterly delighted by it. I stopped mid-sentence to let out a "Whoa!" when I saw the tree. It lived up to the hype. And I was delighted. 

[This is where I stopped talking and was like, "I need to take a picture." Still doesn't properly capture the moment. Maybe if I had a better camera? Still probably not.]

[The TREE]

[Right before this, we got in the way of a proposal picture, and then right after this, we got in the way of a family picture. Go us.]

All in all, even though going to New York alllllways exhausts us, it was a good day in the city. Maybe New York is growing on me? Or maybe it's just Christmas magic. 

Threshold

So . . . my parents gave Sam a Costco Membership for Christmas (yes, we got it early).

And we feel like we have entered this new phase of adulthood. 

Costco shopping dates, Costco samples, and Costco pizza are now all at our fingertips. 

If this isn't power, I don't know what is. 

Recent recommendations [i]

What I've been reading:

Recently, I've been reading Svetlana Alexievich's The Unwomanly Face of War: An Oral History of Women in World War II. It is a literary masterpiece, in my opinion. I've read other works by Svetlana Alexievich, including Chernobyl Prayer (also sometimes called Voices from Chernobyl), which is a collection of oral histories she collected from people affected or involved with the 1986 disaster in Chernobyl. This book is a collection of oral histories from women who fought or otherwise participated in World War II. It's a book about Soviet women, partisans, and less about the glory of war than the everyday messiness, tragedies, and small kindnesses that composed life at the front. It's an absolutely stunning (and gutting) read so far. 10/10 would recommend, and I haven't even finished it yet.

What I've been listening to:

Podcasts: Sam and I finished listening to a season of "The Dream" which is an investigation into Multi-Level Marketing. It's both fascinating and horrifying. Their next season is going to be an investigation into the wellness industry, and I'll be interested to listen to that, too.

I've also been listening to the American Girls podcast, which is a podcast by two newly-minted History PhDs, and they are going through all of the American Girls books, starting with the original six. Right now they are on the "Kirsten" series. They are pretty fun to listen to.

Sam and I have also been listening to "Dolly Parton's America." Whether or not you are a fan of Dolly Parton/country music, you will probably like this podcast.

Music: CHRISTMAS MUSIC. Specifically the "Christmas at King's" playlist on Spotify.

What I've been eating: 

Roasted broccoli. And Satsuma Mandarin Oranges from Wegman's. Yum.