i feel like my internal compass is off a bit. that compass may or may not be the same as my moral compass. i'm not really sure. they're connected, definitely. but something feels off. do you have those days? weeks, even? when you've lost your footing just a bit. you're not going to fall down, but you need sometime to readjust and find that balance and rightness again. or readjusting and changing your orbit so you are realigned. so you face the sun the way you need to. and part of finding that balance for me means jotting down thoughts and sending them into the void, apparently.
my words have been slow in coming lately. again, i'm not really sure why. not only in writing, but in speaking. too many thoughts and not enough ways to express them. language can be a prison. and my thoughts have been all over the place recently and i've wanted to write them. because there's something about expression that makes things real and therefore easier to deal with. well. most of the time. ha. but also because i just need to write. since the words haven't been flowing like they sometimes do, i need to write, even if it might come out a bit melancholy.
what have i been thinking about? lots of things. that i've eaten too many cookies this week. that swimming in the pool is fun. that there is something healing in a summer evening and something so familiar in patio conversations in dying summer light.
what have i been thinking about? how nobody's on nobody's side. and that you can't please everyone. that maybe you don't have to. but that hopefully it's still possible to preserve relationships. at least the ones that matter. everyone matters, i guess. they do. but it's humanly impossible to be able to form a deep relationship with every person you come in contact with. it's also impossible to please everyone you come in contact with, nor should you. that's not safe. that's not healthy. but there must be a way to balance that trust and skepticism. being kind is different than being obliging. and being good is different than being nice. but i can always be kinder. we can all be kinder.
what have i been thinking about? how my life sometimes reads like a jane austen novel. (it certainly has these past nine months.) right now i feel like lizzy bennet after she gets the letter from darcy explaining his side of things. how she realized she misjudged him (and how she has misjudged a lot of people). maybe it's because i'm realizing (again) that i really should keep my nose out of other people's business. although that can be really hard to do, because, hello, i am obviously the fount of all knowledge and wisdom and my armchair philosophies and solutions will solve all the world's problems, including and ESPECIALLY the issues in your personal life.
what have i been thinking about? how byu campus is chock full of adolescents in the summer. and the good that efy was for me. and how there is something satisfying in walking across campus and hearing snippets of discussions ranging from scripture study to dances. and then also something very annoying about having to navigate through crowds of teenagers chanting "e-f-y!" every ten seconds. how i have enough french under my belt to actually have conversations with people. and by conversations i mean broken, 45-second conversations with my french professor or fellow student, but still. it's a conversation.
what have i been thinking about? how much i am looking forward to this sunday. because i need it. sundays are days to remember, reflect, and rest. i need that this week. every week, of course. but especially this week. for rejuvenation. for repentance. and for redemption.