Coming up for air

I'm going into week three of generals prep. The word I would use to describe it is exhausting. I'm reading (and by reading, it really means more like skimming) about 4-5 books/articles a day, and it is simply, exhausting. I'm to the point where today I don't really want to do anything. There are things besides reading that I know that I should do (like responding to emails), and things I want to do (like writing), but I'm just too tired to do anything. 

[These sheets of paper represent part of my reading schedule. I cross off book titles when I finish them.]

I have been learning and re-learning a lot, though. This week I read a lot about the U.S.-Mexican War, about antebellum economies, Foucault, women's benevolent societies, and WWI. 

I also learned that Henry Clay kind of looks like the Grinch: 

[Picture from Amy S. Greenberg's A Wicked War.]

But, of course, life breathes beyond the page, and I really do try to be completely done with reading around 5-6 each evening, which helps my sanity. And there have been such nice moments--hours, days--in spite of the tower of books which threatens to bury me alive. Like walks with Sam, and cooking dinner, and jogging along the canal, and beautiful care packages sent by thoughtful, beautiful friends. Flowers and cake also help.

Even though I often come out of meetings with professors feeling like I know nothing, I'm optimistic that by the end of this semester, I'll be able to say something--that I'll have a better grasp of these fields and be able to position my own opinions within them. At least, that's the goal. Stay tuned. In the meantime, I'll let you know if I find more Grinch doppelgangers. 

What comes next?

So, Princeton has a really, really weird fall semester schedule. As in, our papers are due and exams are scheduled after Christmas break. It's kind of the worst. They are changing this schedule sometime soon(ish?), but it's not going to affect me very much because I've now turned in my last papers and am done with coursework (I seriously felt SUCH a burden leave my shoulders when I turned in those papers. SUCH A RELIEF).

[How I treated myself: blue hydrangeas and chocolate cake.]

So, what does that mean now, you ask? (Since I know you're asking.) Well, for me, it means that this semester I study for my general exams and take those exams in May. The words "general exams" would have meant pretty much nothing to me three years ago. 

I am convinced more and more of the fact that no one really knows what it means to get a PhD unless you've gotten one yourself. That's not an indictment, that's just an observation. I certainly didn't know what I was getting myself into until I was in the thick of it all (and, even then, I might still not 100% know what I've gotten myself into). 

BUT, if I talk to you in the upcoming months and you ask me, "What's up? Are you still doing coursework? Working on your dissertation?" just know that I'll reply, "I'm studying for generals." 

Most people I know (and love) have given me a blank stare when I tell them that. Again, I don't blame them or you. PhD-speak is terribly opaque and every PhD program has their own meanings for the same term. 

So, what "studying for generals" means for me is this: I have 3 different fields that I will be tested on in the middle of May. The 3 fields are fields of history, and I need to master the literature of these different fields. That means reading about 300 books and articles total. For example, my major field is the Long 19th Century U.S., with readings from the 1790s through World War I, with themes such as labor, antislavery and slavery, modernism, economic, and gender. I'll discuss the books I'm reading with the professors who have agreed to work with me on these fields. And then, in May, I'll have written exams and oral exams on each of the 3 fields. After the oral exams, my generals committee (the professors who have been working with me), will decide if I pass or fail.

[Most of my books.]

[And the rest.]

In other words, it's a big deal.

Of course, that's what "studying for generals" means on paper. What "studying for generals" means in reality is that there will probably be lots of tears. They haven't happened yet, but believe me, they'll come at some point.

It also means figuring out a schedule so I
1) read everything that I need to,
2) synthesize the information in some coherent way, and
3) make a schedule which includes things like, oh, I don't know, making sure I actually eat, and that I don't hibernate in the library, and that I spend time outside, or spend time writing blog posts, or jogging while listening to a Harry Potter podcast (which is the most white-girl-millennial thing in the world to do--but have I done it? Oh, certainly.). Because I refuse to let the pile of books swallow me whole. A girl needs to breathe. And listen to Harry Potter podcasts once in awhile.

Tl;dr--If you see me in the next few months and I looked harried, stressed, or catatonic, just give me a hug. I'll also take baked goods.

Moscow to St. Petersburg

The last two weeks of January, I was in St. Petersburg, doing pre-dissertation research. I consider myself lucky that I was able to go there and see dear friends, speak Russian, revisit St. Petersburg, and get a chance to explore and become acquainted with some of the archives in St. Petersburg.

[These first pictures are not of St. Petersburg, however. They are of Moscow in the morning, still alight with New Year's lights.]

[My friends in St. Petersburg joked that Moscow gets all of the lights and then whatever is left over, the government sends to St. Petersburg.]

[The Resurrection Gates in front of Red Square.]

[It was about 8:30 in the morning by this point. So still really dark! But not as dark as Petersburg. It didn't get light until around 9-9:30 there.]

St. Petersburg was cold. Not as cold as Chicago recently, but there were temperatures reaching -10 degrees Farhenheit. So. Cold. I was staying at the top of an old apartment building, and as I walked down the stairs, I could feel the cold just seeping through my jeans and leggings into my legs. Brr.

[The coldest I think I've ever been.]

[View from my window.]

Highlights of the trip included: Getting to celebrate my friend's birthday with her, visiting the Hermitage and Faberge Egg Museums, speaking Russian, and seeing friends that I knew from serving a Latter-day Saint mission in Ukraine.

[Neva under snow.]

[Frosted windows meet classical statuary.]

[The Hermitage]

[The Peacock Clock]

[Serious "Once Upon a December" vibes here.]

[and here, too.]

[Rembrandt's, The Prodigal Son]

[Cathedral of the Savior on Spilled Blood]

[Faberge Museum]

[Oh yeah! I also went to the Dostoevsky Museum and definitely had a moment here.]

[Dostoevsky's Petersburg, about 150 years later.]

The archives themselves were more bureaucratic than those I have experienced thus far in the States or in the UK. Ordering documents takes 3 business days, so in order to get good archival work done, you have to be at the archives for at least two weeks. Also, 19th-century Russian cursive is a nightmare to decipher (but, I got better as I went along).  

[Hello there, microfilm reader.]

Lowlights of the trip included: It's hard to be away from Sam (but he gets back tomorrow! Hooray!), St. Petersburg is dark in the winter and I run on sunlight, and in typical Eastern European misogynistic fashion, I got groped on the way to a friend's birthday party (I am fine, but I am still mad about that. Will continue to be mad about that).  Those are the things that don't make it onto an Instagram story, but they are part of the entire experience. (That, and the random guy sleeping outside the apartment one morning--ohhhh, Eastern Europe.)

[The original StairMaster]

I also had a flight cancelled from Zurich to Newark, but in a stroke of my best worst luck with planes, the airline was very generous and paid for a hotel and a flight for the next day. So, I got to explore Zurich a bit and get home. Hooray.

[Hanging out in Zurich.]

Overall, I'm glad I went. From the beautiful Russian orthodox cathedrals, to being able to be back in a place I love, to drinking Russian juice (seriously so good), to seeing people I love, I feel lucky that I was able to be there for a bit. But next time, hopefully Sam will be able to join me.