It appears that I've taken a summer hiatus from my blog. Not intentionally (in fact, this summer I wanted to revamp it and make it look prettier), but sometimes, that's just what happens. I think that, in the rush of finishing generals, taking a trip to Chile, the prospectus workshop, and starting (and finishing) an internship in DC, there was too much going on that I forgot to write in my journal, let alone update this blog.
But life has gone on. And, in uploading pictures for the inevitable photo dump that will happen in the next couple of posts, I've been reminded of what a full summer it's been.
First of all, I did pass my generals in May. And honestly, that's all that matters. I passed. I never have to do them again. And I've slowly been awakening from that generals stupor and feeling less zombie-like and more like myself. But even then, it's a slower process than I would have liked.
[This is the face of a very happy girl who just found out she passed her generals.]
[So happy. So relieved. So sleep-deprived.]
I mentioned this on Facebook and Instagram, but I truly am so grateful for all of the help and support my family and friends gave me during the semester-of-generals. There are too many people to name, but thank you all for your kindnesses.
[One of about 40 good-luck notes the Primary children in my church congregation made for me before my exams. Yes, when I got these cards, I cried and cried.]
And, of course, the MVP of the support squad goes to this guy right here:
I absolutely would not have been able to make it through without Sam. I mean, I guess I could have, but I would have been even more than a mess than I was.
[This is unironically one of my favorite pictures of Sam. I think he is dancing to music or something. We are also at Buffalo Wild Wings because my mom gave us a gift card for Christmas as a joke. Will we go back? Eh, probably not, but we sure had fun.]
Now onto other things and time to use other academic muscles (and hopefully other physical muscles).
270 books and 30 articles--that is the amount of reading I have done for my general examinations (which start on Monday--eep!).
It's quite the task, and not something I want to do within a period of 4 months ever again. There are some books on my lists that I honestly couldn't tell you much about at this point--some of the books were underwhelming. I feel that one of the lessons I was supposed to learn from this herculean task was how to tell compelling arguments from half-baked ones, and the underwhelming books helped me learn that lesson.
Since all I can think about right now relates in some way to 19th century U.S. history, and since I've read almost 300 books within a 4-month period, obviously I figured the best way to help connect you, my delightful readers, to my life is to mention a few of the best books I read. Even though I doubt many of you will ever read these books, the books below are the ones that were the most compelling for me and ones I think would be compelling for others. I don't know what your beach read wish list is. One of these books just might hit the spot. (Haha, I kid myself. But. I guess I never do know.)
19th Century U.S. History Anne F. Hyde, Empires, Nations, and Families: A History of the North American West,
1800-1860 (2011) (For if you want a good overview of U.S. history that tells it from a western perspective and focuses on fur trading families.) Stephanie
McCurry, Confederate Reckoning: Power and
Politics in the Civil War South (2010)
David
Blight, Race and Reunion: The Civil War
in American Memory (2001) (A history that explores the difference between history and memory, and gives insights into why the Civil War is such a controversial topic for Americans.) W.E.B.
DuBois, Black Reconstruction in America (1935) (Okay, so this one is v long but also v worth it.) Sarah Barringer Gordon, The Mormon Question: Polygamy and Constitutional Conflict in
Nineteenth-Century America (2002) Rachel St. John, Line in the Sand: A
History of the Western U.S.-Mexico Border (Princeton: Princeton University,
2011) William
Cronon, Nature’s Metropolis: Chicago and
the Great West (1991) Karl
Jacoby, Shadows at Dawn: A Borderlands
Massacre and the Violence of History (2008) Margaret
Jacobs, White Mother to a Dark Race:
Settler Colonialism, Maternalism, and the Removal of Indigenous Children in the
American West and Australia (2009) Jared
Farmer. On Zion’s Mount: Mormons,
Indians, and the American Landscape (2008) (This one was particularly interesting to me, because it was the history of where I grew up--right at the foot of Mount Timpanagos.) Jackson
Lears, No Place of Grace: Antimodernism
and the Transformation of American Culture, 1880-1920 (1981) (I really, really, really liked this book. It is one of the reasons I think we're living in a "new Gilded Age." The disenchantment many people feel today is reminiscent of the same fears, concerns, and discontents with modernity in the late 19th century.)
[This is from a different book called What Hath God Wrought, by Daniel Walker Howe. It is dedicated to John Quincy Adams, and I get a kick out of that all of the time.]
Women's and Gender History
Michel Foucault, The History of Sexuality, vol. 1, An Introduction (orig. 1976)
(If you read this, let me know and we'll discuss. I'm always up for discussing more Foucault.)
Joan Scott,
“Gender: A Useful Category of Historical Analysis,” AHR 91 (1986): 1053-1075
Wendy Anne Warren, “‘The Cause of Her
Grief’: The Rape of a Slave in Early New England,” Journal of American History 93 (March 2007): 1031-49.
(One of the most moving articles I've read--I really enjoy reading meditations on historical methods, and this article does just that and more.)
Jeanne Boydston, Home
and Work: Housework, Wages, and the Ideology of Labor in the Early Republic(Oxford,
1990)
(I get that this book might not really be interesting to most folks out there, but it makes a very good argument as to why the household and the workplace have been and always will be interconnected.)
Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, A Midwife’s Tale: The Life of Martha Ballard, Based on her Diary,
1785-1812 (1991)
Tera W. Hunter, To ‘Joy My Freedom: Southern Black Women’s Lives and Labors after the
Civil War (Cambridge, Mass., 1997)
(Such a good book. This is one of those history books I read and went, "Yes. I want to write history like this.")
Sarah Haley, No Mercy Here: Gender, Punishment, and the Making of Jim Crow Modernity
(University of North Carolina Press, 2015)
(Harrowing book. But also so important.)
Global History (1850-present) Jürgen
Osterhammel. The Transformation of the
World: a Global History of the Nineteenth Century (Princeton: Princeton
University Press, 2014). (SUPER long. Like. You-could-break-your-toe-on-this-book it's so thick. But, if that's your thing, this gives a good overview of the 19th century.) Dominic
Lieven. Empire: The Russian Empire and
its Rivals. (New Haven: Yale University Press, 2000).
I'm going into week three of generals prep. The word I would use to describe it is exhausting. I'm reading (and by reading, it really means more like skimming) about 4-5 books/articles a day, and it is simply, exhausting. I'm to the point where today I don't really want to do anything. There are things besides reading that I know that I should do (like responding to emails), and things I want to do (like writing), but I'm just too tired to do anything.
[These sheets of paper represent part of my reading schedule. I cross off book titles when I finish them.]
I have been learning and re-learning a lot, though. This week I read a lot about the U.S.-Mexican War, about antebellum economies, Foucault, women's benevolent societies, and WWI.
I also learned that Henry Clay kind of looks like the Grinch:
[Picture from Amy S. Greenberg's A Wicked War.]
But, of course, life breathes beyond the page, and I really do try to be completely done with reading around 5-6 each evening, which helps my sanity. And there have been such nice moments--hours, days--in spite of the tower of books which threatens to bury me alive. Like walks with Sam, and cooking dinner, and jogging along the canal, and beautiful care packages sent by thoughtful, beautiful friends. Flowers and cake also help.
Even though I often come out of meetings with professors feeling like I know nothing, I'm optimistic that by the end of this semester, I'll be able to say something--that I'll have a better grasp of these fields and be able to position my own opinions within them. At least, that's the goal. Stay tuned. In the meantime, I'll let you know if I find more Grinch doppelgangers.
So, Princeton has a really, really weird fall semester schedule. As in, our papers are due and exams are scheduled after Christmas break. It's kind of the worst. They are changing this schedule sometime soon(ish?), but it's not going to affect me very much because I've now turned in my last papers and am done with coursework (I seriously felt SUCH a burden leave my shoulders when I turned in those papers. SUCH A RELIEF).
[How I treated myself: blue hydrangeas and chocolate cake.]
So, what does that mean now, you ask? (Since I know you're
asking.) Well, for me, it means that this semester I study for my general exams
and take those exams in May. The words "general exams" would have
meant pretty much nothing to me three years ago.
I am convinced more and more of the fact
that no one really knows what it means to get a PhD unless you've gotten one
yourself. That's not an indictment, that's just an observation. I certainly
didn't know what I was getting myself into until I was in the thick of it all
(and, even then, I might still not 100% know what I've gotten
myself into).
BUT, if I talk to you in the upcoming
months and you ask me, "What's up? Are you still doing coursework? Working
on your dissertation?" just know that I'll reply, "I'm studying for
generals."
Most people I know (and love) have given
me a blank stare when I tell them that. Again, I don't blame them or you.
PhD-speak is terribly opaque and every PhD program has their own meanings for
the same term.
So, what "studying for generals" means for me is this: I have 3 different fields that I will be tested on in the middle of May. The 3 fields are fields of history, and I need to master the literature of these different fields. That means reading about 300 books and articles total. For example, my major field is the Long 19th Century U.S., with readings from the 1790s through World War I, with themes such as labor, antislavery and slavery, modernism, economic, and gender. I'll discuss the books I'm reading with the professors who have agreed to work with me on these fields. And then, in May, I'll have written exams and oral exams on each of the 3 fields. After the oral exams, my generals committee (the professors who have been working with me), will decide if I pass or fail.
[Most of my books.]
[And the rest.]
In other words, it's a big deal.
Of course, that's what "studying for generals" means on paper. What "studying for generals" means in reality is that there will probably be lots of tears. They haven't happened yet, but believe me, they'll come at some point.
It also means figuring out a schedule so I
1) read everything that I need to,
2) synthesize the information in some coherent way, and
3) make a schedule which includes things like, oh, I don't know, making sure I actually eat, and that I don't hibernate in the library, and that I spend time outside, or spend time writing blog posts, or jogging while listening to a Harry Potter podcast (which is the most white-girl-millennial thing in the world to do--but have I done it? Oh, certainly.). Because I refuse to let the pile of books swallow me whole. A girl needs to breathe. And listen to Harry Potter podcasts once in awhile.
Tl;dr--If you see me in the next few months and I looked harried, stressed, or catatonic, just give me a hug. I'll also take baked goods.
Autumn came late this year, so I've been trying to soak it all in now that it's come in all of its chilly, golden glory. This includes running along the toe path, wearing woolen sweaters, praising pumpkins, and trying new soup recipes (tonight we made French Onion Soup and I'm really pleased with how it turned out), and baking pies.
[Fall comes to Princeton]
I'm always impressed with how Princeton just seems made for fall. And the afternoons where I can steal away from the library and read outside? Those are practically perfect in every way.
[Study break]
Also, last week, there was a FALL FEST that I didn't even know was happening until my friend saw me studying in the carrel room and said, "Did you know that there is a FALL FEST going on?" I did not, but I was ready to go find it. FALL FEST ended up being the highlight of my week. Because 1) fall, 2) good friends, and 3) free apple cider donuts.
[FALL FEST with friends]
[Best. Donuts. Ever.]
[A very happy Megan.]
I'd be happy if these days lasted forever, but since I know they won't, I'll try to enjoy them amidst coursework et. al.
Did I mention I'm studying three languages this summer? I'm taking a beginning French course, an intermediate German course on German culture and history, and then practicing my Russian with a friend for an hour or so each day. It's great (I really do love learning more about these languages and their cultures), but also, I don't know any languages anymore.
Case in point: Today I had my German class. At the beginning of the class, the professor asked (in German), if any of us had seen the film Luther. I have, so I nodded my head and proudly said, "Da." Then I realized I had spoken Russian, so I corrected myself and said, "Oui." Then I was really embarrassed and finally found the right language and said, "Ja."
So. What we're saying is, I will know ZERO languages by the end of the summer. Or just speak a mixture of all these languages. Hopefully someone will understand me.
Posts about Em's wedding and Sam's visit coming up soon, I promise.
Also, I finalllllly heard back from all of the schools I applied to for History PhD programs! I have a few options and you know that I will agonize/am already agonizing about the decision, haha. But I am happy to have four really good options to choose from.* (And I will let my adoring fans know where I end up choosing, don't you fret.)
But in the meantime, just enjoy this pretty picture:
*I realize that people will want to know what schools I'm choosing from. They are the University of Missouri, Boston University, the University of Maryland, and Princeton. I'll be doing campus visits next month. Exciting times. :)
And to be honest, these posts will be few and far between starting Monday because I'm headed off on an Eastern European Extravaganza, and I know I will have zero time to update this blog. So I figured I should get some things down that I've been meaning to.
Like the time I took my exams.
Like most things in Oxford, exam traditions are generations-old. Part of these traditions include sitting in the Examination Schools with two hundred other students (graduates and undergraduates, all from different courses), writing our respective exams.
I sat the exam with the thirteen other students in my program, and we all sat in a row, like 14 penguin chicks. 14 stressed-out penguin chicks.
Because that is another Oxford exam tradition--we all wear our sub fusc (Latin for "dark brown," which is funny because we don't wear dark brown, we wear black and white).
Another Oxford exam tradition is the tradition of carnations. The carnations are color-coded. If you are sitting your first exam, you wear a white carnation. If you are sitting your middle exams, you wear a pink carnation, and if you are sitting your last exam, you wear a red carnation.
I wore red.
[The lighting is terrible, but this is what we've got.]
I still don't know why we have to bring our mortarboard. We're not allowed to wear it, and it just gets in the way. Oh well.
When we finished our exams, we waited outside a bit for everyone to join. Then we walked into another Oxford exam tradition--trashing. Essentially, your friends spray you with champagne, silly string, foam, etc.
But I didn't want a trashing (perhaps I am lame, but I wasn't so keen on spoiling my clothes) so I skillfully avoided the crowds and headed towards another gathering of friends . . . where they trashed me with confetti.
That I can get behind. Confetti is okay. Baked beans . . . not so much.
I'm emerging from the depths of my cave to briefly let you know that I'm alive.
Barely.
But I'm alive.
My dissertation is due on Monday. (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)
Despite the internal (and external) screaming, I'm actually feeling pretty good about it. I just have some loose ends to tie together, conclusions to strengthen, etc., etc.
But all I really want is a Magnum ice cream bar.
Too bad all of the stores are closed now and I have no food in the fridge.
Because, that often happens when #dissertationofdoom is at your doorstep.
And this is what writing a dissertation looks like.
You forget to buy groceries and rely on free food at seminars to get you through the day.
You also realize that you really, really, really have to do laundry. And that dry shampoo only goes so far. Clean clothes/clean bodies are actually a good thing. What?
You have way too many papers piled on your desks both at home and at the library.
You constantly have bags under your eyes.
[Help. Me.]
You become a walking time bomb. Anything can set you off in either torrents of tears or fits of rage. Or hysteria.
Did I mention that I still really want a Magnum bar?
Tomorrow I'm going to treat myself. Because I'm worth it. And because I hear that ice cream is actually brain food.
*This post brought to you by Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. Because I'm writing about both Wars of 1812 (the British/American and the French/Russian ones), and there's nothing like some cannon fire to wake you up when you have to revise footnotes.*
You know those moments when you realize that you have a dissertation due in about 6 weeks?
Yeah.
Those moments induce panic and worry.
[Help. Me.]
[This was also right after I got a hair trim and I was not very pleased. Oh well. Vanity of vanities.]
But then you randomly find things like this on the desk you're working at:
[You got this. Sure hope so. Thank you, other stressed student in the library.]
And, then you remember that Hamilton exists. And the world can't be that bad if things like Hamilton and songs like "The Schulyer Sisters" exist. (Another reason the world is a good place? The U.S. Treasury decided to get rid of Jackson on the $20 bill and put Harriet Tubman there instead. The times, they are a-changin'.)
So. I mean, There's a 15,000-word dissertation I have to write. But on the upside, I just took a "What Schulyer Sister Are You" quiz and I got Angelica. So. You know. Life is good.
look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now.
Soooo, it's 6th week of Hilary Term. Which means everyone in Oxford is slowly dying.
I'm not dead--yet. And I promise that I will post pictures from those sweet and happy times called 2nd and 3rd week when I actually made time to go on adventures.
[See? Like this. More happy pictures like this will come as soon as I get a better handle on my Herbert Hoover essay.]
But right now my adventures consist of lunch dates with the 1921 Congressional Record. So you know. I'm the life of every party.
Guys. A few hours ago I finished my last final as an undergraduate.
I am done. Done!
This is what it looks like when you finish finals. Relief/exhaustion.
You know, I always thought that I would finish my BYU career kind of like Rocky making it to the top of the Philadelphia Museum of Art stairs. That I would be exhausted but triumphant. And although that is partly how I feel, in all honesty, I feel like this:
After the most INSANE finals week I have ever had (including a weekend conference to Philly and a freak, violent case of food poisoning and/or stomach flu which took away prime studying time), I don't feel like I ran triumphantly across the finish line. I feel like I collapsed five feet from the end, crawled, and then face-planted it across that line.
But I made it, right?
Anyway. Since I've finished classes and finals, I've been feeling a bit nostalgic. (It's me. That's what I do when I come to an end of a chapter. I self-reflect and I get all wistful about parking lots and stairways. It's kind of cute, actually.) So today I walked around some of my favorite haunts on campus and remembered.
That hill. I climbed it way too many times.
This has been one of my favorite walkways since freshman year.
You just never know what you're going to find. Like tea cups hanging from trees. Oh, those artsy art majors.
The HFAC. The number of performances I attended here is enormously high. So are the amounts of dates I went to here.
Whereas the number of dates I went on here is zero. Which is a good thing, because it would be weird to have a date at the Administration Building.
The JKB. I had soooooo many classes here. English, Russian, and history classes specifically. (Also, I have a lot of awkward flirting stories from this building. Especially from before the mission. After the mission, too, but especially before. Anyway. Moving on.)
I have never had a class here. And I am a-ok with that.
The Library! Affectionately known as "Harold." Good ol' Harold. So many memories here.
The JFSB. My second home at Provo. I know this building intimately. I could write an entire personal essay about how much I love this building. But really. Classrooms in the basement, History department on the 2nd floor, German/Russian on the 3rd, and English on the 4th. Love this building. Love this courtyard. The number of hours studying here and meditating here . . . just a good, good place for the soul.
Did you know that once upon a time I thought I was going to be a geography major and had a few geography classes in this building? Now you know.
The Testing Center. Ohhhhhh, the Testing Center.
The Writing Fellows Office! A haven in the center of the Testing Center. I like this place.
And I like these people. Very much.
The Maeser Building. Every time I walked into this building, something good happened. A scholarship, a job, and some of the best people I have ever met. The BYU Honors Program is full of incredible, stellar people.
If you got this far, thanks for taking a trip down memory lane with me. There is so much I could say (and probably will, once I have time to actually think, process, and write), but basically, this place has been good to me. And I honestly can't think of a prettier place to have a university campus.
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