a stream of words [five]

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it's been awhile since i've just put down thoughts, just letting go and letting words, thoughts, phrases, ideas come out onto the empty screen. i thought i'd try it again. especially since it's the time of the semester when there's just too much to do and deliverables to deliver, but then again, have i even started reading any of the books for my final paper? hahaaaa. that's a funny question to ask. good thing princeton has a weird schedule, right? actually, the weird schedule kind of stinks and i'd much rather be done with my papers before Christmas break, but here we are and everything's due in january. but i guess that gives me more time to procrastinate, which, you know, is what i'm doing right now.

as i'm preparing my general exams reading lists, i kind of feel like i'm writing my own death sentence (and sentences like these make me wonder why i'm not on twitter). but really. preparing around three hundred books to read over the course of next semester feels incredibly sadistic. i mean. i've read most of these books. but some of them i don't want to read again--or at least dread reading again because they're 600 pages. like. no.

for thanksgiving, sam and i visited family in maryland. there were about ten children between all of the families, and sometimes while i was reading for school, one of the little girls would come up and ask me to play or why i was reading so much or why i was still in school. i discovered (again) that explaining a phd is kind of a hard thing to explain to children. they don't really care so much about what you know, more that you actually know that they exist and you care about them. but really. how do you explain "i'm getting a phd" to children?

more than that, how do you explain it to a lot of adults? it's really hard for people who have not experienced a phd to get just what is required of you. of course, i also think that phds can ask too much, and when they ask for your soul, you say no. a phd does not need your soul. which can be really hard to remember sometimes. but it doesn't. and that's the advice that i would really give to all of those lovely people who keep asking me for advice on princeton and other phd applications. no matter what, don't let this take your soul. don't let the crush of the application process, the expectations, the work, the lifestyle make you forget what makes you, you. it can be so hard to remember at times.

in other news, i made these incredibly succulent butternut squash pancakes with sage butter, and I WILL EVANGELIZE THEM TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN. but. i really will. mom, dad, and siblings, you are next. i will make them when i'm home for Christmas, and even if you don't like them, i will. and i will eat them all.

there are so many things i want to bake. so little time.

around this time of the semester, i start forgetting that i need to plan things. or that i have a planner. and i just forget to write things down. this is a problem. because, like money, whenever i budget out time, i found out i actually have more. surprise. (also, i've been reading a lot of history books about the late 19th century and becoming more and more horrified about how we've commodified time. like, before the 19th century, people did not "waste" time. they just "passed" time. now we manage, waste, save, budget, and spend time. it's freaky. also, when did consumption change from being tuberculosis to being what we buy? the questions that obsess a historian in training.)

there is something so soothing about Christmas lights. last night, sam and i got a tree (a very small tree) and decorated it. my favorite part is that now there are Christmas lights that cheer us in the living room. just looking at them is soothing. i can look up from reading or studying and look at those lights and just--ahh. i feel a bit of that peace. the same way my chests opens up a bit when i look out across an open landscape, or up at the mountains of utah county. those lights open up a place and make it easier. easier to breathe, dream, remember, and believe.