Children of dust and ashes

Sometimes I randomly find new or old musicals and get obsessed with one or two songs from those musicals. (Sometimes, it's the entire musical, like with Hamilton.) But the other day a New York Times update buzzed on my phone saying that a musical called Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812 had been nominated for 12 Tony awards.

It caught my attention because it's an adaptation of War and Peace. And basically anything that has to do with Tolstoy or War and Peace will definitely catch my attention.

Anyway. I've been listening to the some songs. And there's one that I'm just obsessed with. It's sung by Pierre, who is (arguably) the main character of the novel. Pierre's great. And by great, I also mean that he's confused, searching, kind, selfish, and ultimately has a beautifully messy soul. I love his character arc and watching him grow. He has a lot of "ah-a!" moments in the novel, but they don't always last (but that's also so realistic--often we have those moments where we recognize that we have to change, and we fully want to, but then life happens and we forget, or we lose our zeal--and then we have to be reminded of our need to change--and the other beautiful thing about Tolstoy novels is that there is no statute of limitations of the amount of times someone can recommit to changing their lives).

The song I've been obsessed with (and thus the one that gets featured on my blog) is a song sung by Pierre after he's dueled a friend of his (such a trope in Russian novels and it never goes well), and he realizes that he has to make some major life changes. And the song is just so beautiful, powerful, and full of Russian existential angst--it captures the essence of Pierre:






Is this how I die? 
Ridiculed and laughed at
Wearing clown shoes. 
Is this how I die? 
Furious and reckless 
Sick with booze. 

How did I live? 
I taste every wasted minute
Every time I turned away 
From the things that might have healed me. 
How long have I been sleeping?

Is this how I die? 
Frightened like a child
Lazy and numb. 
Is this how I die? 
Pretending and preposterous 
and dumb. 

How did I live? 
Was I kind enough and good enough? 
Did I love enough? 
Did I ever look up 
and see the moon 
and the stars
and the sky? 
Oh why I have been sleeping?  

They say we are asleep 
until we fall in love. 
We are children of dust and ashes. 
But when we fall in love we wake up 
And we are a God 
and angels weep. 
But if I die here tonight
I die in my sleep. 

All of my life I spent searching the words
of poets and saints and prophets and kings
and now at the end all I know that I've learned
is that all that I know is I don't know a thing. 

So easy to close off 
place the blame outside 
hiding in my room at night
so terrified. 
All the things I could have been 
but I never had the nerve
love and life
I don't deserve. 

So all right, all right
I've had my time
close my eyes
let the death bells chime. 

Bury me in burgundy 
I just don't care. 
Nothing's left
I've looked everywhere.

Is this how I die? 
Was there ever any other way my life could be? 
Is this how I die? 
Such a storm of feelings inside of me?  

But then why am I screaming? 
Why am I shaking? 
Was there something that I missed? 
Did I squander my divinity? 
Was happiness within me the whole time? 

They say we are asleep 
Until we fall in love 
We are children of dust and ashes. 
But when we fall in love we wake up 
and we are a God
and angels weep. 
But if I die here tonight 
I die in my sleep. 

They say we are asleep 
until we fall in love. 
And I'm so ready 
to wake up now. 

I want to wake up. 
Don't let me die while I'm like this. 
I want to wake up 
Don't let me die while I'm like this
Please let me wake up now
Don't let me die while I'm like this
I'm ready
I'm ready 
To wake up. 

There you go. My latest/not-so-latest obsession (because I've been obsessed with Tolstoy for years now). But it just speaks to my soul. And I love Pierre.

"It was clear and frosty. A dark, starlit heaven looked down on the black roofs and the dirty, dusky streets. Only by looking up at the sky could Pierre distance himself from the disgusting squalor of all earthly things as compared with the heights to which his soul had now been taken. 

“And there in the middle, high about Prechistensky Boulevard, amidst a scattering of stars on every side but catching the eye through its closeness to the earth, its pure white light and the long uplift of its tail, shone the comet, the huge, brilliant comet of 1812, that popular harbinger of untold horrors and the end of the world. But this bright comet with its long, shiny tail held no fears for Pierre. Quite the reverse: Pierre’s eyes glittered with tears of rapture as he gazed up at this radiant star, which must have traced its parabola through infinite space at speeds unimaginable and now suddenly seemed to have picked its spot in the black sky and impaled itself like an arrow piercing the earth, and stuck there, with its strong upthrusting tail and its brilliant display of whiteness amidst the infinity of scintillating stars. This heavenly body seemed perfectly attuned to Pierre’s newly melted heart, as it gathered reassurance and blossomed into new life.” (War and Peace 663)

Men Seldom Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses

I'm playing catch-up again.

I've had ideas for blog posts on my mind, but I haven't spaced them out properly, so there might be a deluge of Megan-thoughts. Happens every once in awhile. But, I guess, like one friend says, sub-par blogging is better than no blogging at all.

So, for those interested, here's a quick life update:

Winter Semester happened. So did finals. All is well. I'm still alive. Which is saying something. But I got through. Hallelujah.

I'm enjoying the beautiful spring weather in Provo. I forgot how beautiful springs are in Utah. The green mountains are gorgeous. And the lilacs? Be still my beating heart.

I'm interning at the Church History Library this semester. I love it. Absolutely love it. I'm sure that you'll hear me talk more about it whether you want to or not. Because it is that good.

In other news, you know you're a nerd when you watch old musicals and see yourself in the characters. Wait, I'm the only one who does this? Shocker.

ANYWAY. I was watching The Music Man (which, by the way, is a beautifully brilliant piece of Americana), and I realized:

Oh. my. goodness.

I am Marian.

This Marian. The one who tells people to be quiet in the library. The one who is no-nonsense and is disdainful towards silly women and con-men. The one who loves Chaucer, Rabelais, and Balzac.

And this Marian. The dreamer, who can never quite give up on her dreams, no matter how pragmatic she tries to be. The one who hopes for someone who will occasionally ponder what makes Shakespeare and Beethoven great.




Also, I just feel like I'd fit in well in early twentieth-century America. Votes for women, all the way.

you've got to run to her, jonah!

Or, Why I am A Dork—Reason #135,609.

Today I was driving down to Provo to volunteer with the senior missionaries at the MTC. They needed people to help tutor Russian, and since I just got back from the former CCCP, and because I really miss Russian, I went over to help.

On the way down, I was just jamming to some tunes, cruising down University Avenue when something went weird with the radio. The song stopped and it sounded like there was an ad from the 1960s or something, with this lady speaking in sultry tones. Shto-takoe? I could not figure it out for the life of me, and I couldn’t get the radio to come back on.* So I tried turning up the volume, and realized: It was Baroness Schrader from The Sound of Music! Apparently, I had accidently turned on the movie player that we have in our van, and now I was listening to the movie without being able to see it.

But did I turn it off? Ohhhhhhhh, no.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, it was at a great part. 

[okay. let's be honest. All parts of The Sound of Music are wonderful. just humor me for a little bit.] 

Like I was saying, it was at a great part. 

Like, the part where Maria is gloomily wandering around the gazebo, all alone, and the Baroness and Captain Von Trapp are watching her, and the Captain finally, truly realizes that he loves Maria and breaks off his engagement with the Baroness and then goes down to Maria and they sing a love song and kiss and get engaged. 

That part, my friends. That. Part. 

So, I turned up the volume. Of course. 

And this may or may not have been what I was like while I was listening to the dialog:

The Baroness: “And somewhere out there . . . is a young lady who, I think . . . will never be a nun.”

Me: That’s right. Go to her, Captain. Go to her. Go to her right now and confess your love. Ruuuuuuuuun.

 Captain Von Trapp: You know, I was thinking and I was wondering two things: Why did you run away to the abbey? And what was it that made you come back? 

 Me: You know quite well why she came back. And you’re just dying because you want to hear her say it. Say it, Maria. Say it, say it.

 Maria: Well, I had an obligation to fulfill. . . and I came back to fulfill it. 

 Me: Ahhh! Just say you love him! Just say it!

 Captain: Is that all? 

 Me: Of course not. Oh, just ask her already. Just say it already. 

Maria: And I missed the children. 

Me: Bah! Oh, he’s dying here. 

Captain: Only the children? 

 Me: See? Dying. Like all of us here. The tension is killing me.

 Maria: No. Yes. Isn't it right that I missed them? 

 Captain: Oh, yes. Yes, of course. I was only hoping that perhaps you. . . . Perhaps you might. . . . 

 Me: Say it, say it! 

 Maria: Yes? 

 Captain: Well, nothing was the same when you were away. . . and it'll be all wrong again after you leave. . . and I just thought perhaps you might change your mind. 

 Me: Aww, that's sweet, but she still doesn’t know that you love her! Say it, man! Don’t be afraid! 

 Maria: Well, I'm sure the baroness will be able to make things fine for you.

 Me: Oh, she is hurt. She’s so confused. And she doesn’t want to be confused anymore.  

 Captain: Maria. . . . There isn't going to be any baroness. 

 Maria: There isn't? 

 Captain: No. 

 Me: Bingo! 

 Maria: I don't understand. 

 Captain: Well, you can't marry someone when you're. . . in love with someone else. . . can you? 

 Me: YES! Now kiss her! Kiss her! Oh, it’s just so beautiful. Ah. So beautiful. 

 Maria: The Reverend Mother always says:  "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." 

 Captain: What else does the Reverend Mother say? 

 Maria: That you have to look for your life. 

 Captain: Is that why you came back? And have you found it. . . Maria? 

 Maria: I think I have. I know I have. 

 Captain: I love you. 

 Maria: Oh, can this be happening to me? 

Me: dying here. Just dying from the sheer goodness and wonderfulness of this all. ahhhhhh. [good thing I was in the parking lot by this point so I could just relish the in the glory of this love story.]

Oookay. Freak out done. For now. But oh, it’s just so good. I might just be a *little* starved for a good chick flick after 18 months.

Love it. love, love, love it. Gah!

And after that, I went to teach some senior missionaries about using чтобы. Such is my life.

Climb every mountain. 

*I still have no idea how that video started playing. No idea. No idea at all.

They seek him here, they seek him there

Those Frenchies seek him . . . everywhere!

Yesterday I got to see "The Scarlet Pimpernel" at Murray Arts in the Park. I've been wanting to see the show ever since one of my roommates introduced me to the songs in March. I was hooked.

Just listen to these two songs and you might be hooked, too:

"Into the Fire"-- one of the most inspiring, take-charge, let's-walk-into-the-jaws-of-death-for-freedom-and-justice songs I've ever heard (ignore the subtitles):



And this song, "Falcon in the Dive," sung by the incredible Terrence Mann. Ohhhhhhhh my. Gives me chills. One of the best villain songs I've ever heard:

Sad news, bears. I can't get the music onto Blogger. But here's a taste of it.

Also, here's a full Youtube version. It's not Terrence Mann, but this guy's still pretty good. The video quality isn't, but oh well.




Doesn't he look like Dracula? Yeah. I think so, too.

Anyway, I was really excited to see the musical, and I convinced my family and my best friend, Sharisa, to come with me (the free tickets I won definitely increased my persuasive powers).

Photos before the show:

The best friends.  

The fam (sans sisters). 

Obligatory pre-show silly pictures.  

My favorite.  

The show was . . . pretty good. It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be, to be honest, and I think that was in fault to some production issues and a few plot devices that bugged me. But I enjoyed the play for these reasons:

1. The music is amazing. Seriously.
2. The story itself. Intrigue, drama, love, humor, and suspense. Ah, I love it and never tire of it. (Really. If you're having a Scarlet Pimpernel party, please invite me.)

Photo courtesy of my friend, Wikipedia. 

. . . and, I'm kind of in love with Percy. I mean, he's the original super-hero with an alter ego. Brillante, non?