What I see, what I hear, what I feel

what i see from my seat right now: 

-multi-colored flashcards on the floor with names, dates, and events

-books upon books about u.s. history 

-coats, shoes, half of our kitchen, a saudi rug gifted to us a year ago. 

what i hear: 

-sam washing dishes, the water running

-the soft click-click of my keyboard

what i smell: 

-dish soap from said-dishes-washing

-the new lotion i use for my hands

what i taste(d): 

-yummy farro salad that sam and i made tonight from the ever-delicious recipes from the smitten kitchen blog. 

-what i will taste later tonight--probably peanut butter chocolate ice cream. 

what i feel: 

-content that spring is springing

-nervous about upcoming assignments and tests

-exhausted from reading so much

-hope that i'll make it through

-happy that sam is home. 

[not what i see right now, but what i saw today.]

Random happenings, random sightings

I feel like I would be doing the world (or, more like, my ego) a disservice if I didn't share my first real celebrity sighting. Like, a celebrity that people outside of the Latter-day Saint world would know. Working in the Church Office Building meant that I saw and worked with a lot of Latter-day Saint celebrities on a weekly if not daily basis. But when playing the, "which celebrity have you run into?" game with non-Latter-day Saints, they don't really get the importance of having eaten lunch with Elder Holland. 

And, to be fair, I think Sam actually gets more of the "wow, so cool!" factor than I do with this story, for reasons I will explain below, but hey. I am counting it as a win for me, too. 

About a month ago, Sam and I were at a James Blake concert for his birthday. We got there a bit late, so we ended up standing by the sound booth. About halfway through the concert, a woman walked past us to get into the sound booth, and I turned and recognized that the woman was Jameela Jamil, who is currently dating James Blake. (If you don't know who Jameela Jamil is, she plays Tahani on "The Good Place" and is also an feminist activist.) 

I tapped Sam on the shoulder and said, "Look who it is." 

So we both awkwardly looked over at her from time to time, trying not to act too weird/obvious that we knew who she was, when she obviously just wanted to groove to her boyfriend's music. 

Eventually, she left the sound booth, tapped Sam on the shoulder and said, "Sorry, love," to ask him to make some room for her to leave the sound booth and get to wherever she was going. 

That was probably my favorite part of the concert. 

(Not to say that the rest of the concert wasn't good, but that was my favorite part.) 

And honestly, having Jameela Jamil as my first celebrity run-in is not a bad way to start. 

Coming up for air

I'm going into week three of generals prep. The word I would use to describe it is exhausting. I'm reading (and by reading, it really means more like skimming) about 4-5 books/articles a day, and it is simply, exhausting. I'm to the point where today I don't really want to do anything. There are things besides reading that I know that I should do (like responding to emails), and things I want to do (like writing), but I'm just too tired to do anything. 

[These sheets of paper represent part of my reading schedule. I cross off book titles when I finish them.]

I have been learning and re-learning a lot, though. This week I read a lot about the U.S.-Mexican War, about antebellum economies, Foucault, women's benevolent societies, and WWI. 

I also learned that Henry Clay kind of looks like the Grinch: 

[Picture from Amy S. Greenberg's A Wicked War.]

But, of course, life breathes beyond the page, and I really do try to be completely done with reading around 5-6 each evening, which helps my sanity. And there have been such nice moments--hours, days--in spite of the tower of books which threatens to bury me alive. Like walks with Sam, and cooking dinner, and jogging along the canal, and beautiful care packages sent by thoughtful, beautiful friends. Flowers and cake also help.

Even though I often come out of meetings with professors feeling like I know nothing, I'm optimistic that by the end of this semester, I'll be able to say something--that I'll have a better grasp of these fields and be able to position my own opinions within them. At least, that's the goal. Stay tuned. In the meantime, I'll let you know if I find more Grinch doppelgangers. 

What comes next?

So, Princeton has a really, really weird fall semester schedule. As in, our papers are due and exams are scheduled after Christmas break. It's kind of the worst. They are changing this schedule sometime soon(ish?), but it's not going to affect me very much because I've now turned in my last papers and am done with coursework (I seriously felt SUCH a burden leave my shoulders when I turned in those papers. SUCH A RELIEF).

[How I treated myself: blue hydrangeas and chocolate cake.]

So, what does that mean now, you ask? (Since I know you're asking.) Well, for me, it means that this semester I study for my general exams and take those exams in May. The words "general exams" would have meant pretty much nothing to me three years ago. 

I am convinced more and more of the fact that no one really knows what it means to get a PhD unless you've gotten one yourself. That's not an indictment, that's just an observation. I certainly didn't know what I was getting myself into until I was in the thick of it all (and, even then, I might still not 100% know what I've gotten myself into). 

BUT, if I talk to you in the upcoming months and you ask me, "What's up? Are you still doing coursework? Working on your dissertation?" just know that I'll reply, "I'm studying for generals." 

Most people I know (and love) have given me a blank stare when I tell them that. Again, I don't blame them or you. PhD-speak is terribly opaque and every PhD program has their own meanings for the same term. 

So, what "studying for generals" means for me is this: I have 3 different fields that I will be tested on in the middle of May. The 3 fields are fields of history, and I need to master the literature of these different fields. That means reading about 300 books and articles total. For example, my major field is the Long 19th Century U.S., with readings from the 1790s through World War I, with themes such as labor, antislavery and slavery, modernism, economic, and gender. I'll discuss the books I'm reading with the professors who have agreed to work with me on these fields. And then, in May, I'll have written exams and oral exams on each of the 3 fields. After the oral exams, my generals committee (the professors who have been working with me), will decide if I pass or fail.

[Most of my books.]

[And the rest.]

In other words, it's a big deal.

Of course, that's what "studying for generals" means on paper. What "studying for generals" means in reality is that there will probably be lots of tears. They haven't happened yet, but believe me, they'll come at some point.

It also means figuring out a schedule so I
1) read everything that I need to,
2) synthesize the information in some coherent way, and
3) make a schedule which includes things like, oh, I don't know, making sure I actually eat, and that I don't hibernate in the library, and that I spend time outside, or spend time writing blog posts, or jogging while listening to a Harry Potter podcast (which is the most white-girl-millennial thing in the world to do--but have I done it? Oh, certainly.). Because I refuse to let the pile of books swallow me whole. A girl needs to breathe. And listen to Harry Potter podcasts once in awhile.

Tl;dr--If you see me in the next few months and I looked harried, stressed, or catatonic, just give me a hug. I'll also take baked goods.

Moscow to St. Petersburg

The last two weeks of January, I was in St. Petersburg, doing pre-dissertation research. I consider myself lucky that I was able to go there and see dear friends, speak Russian, revisit St. Petersburg, and get a chance to explore and become acquainted with some of the archives in St. Petersburg.

[These first pictures are not of St. Petersburg, however. They are of Moscow in the morning, still alight with New Year's lights.]

[My friends in St. Petersburg joked that Moscow gets all of the lights and then whatever is left over, the government sends to St. Petersburg.]

[The Resurrection Gates in front of Red Square.]

[It was about 8:30 in the morning by this point. So still really dark! But not as dark as Petersburg. It didn't get light until around 9-9:30 there.]

St. Petersburg was cold. Not as cold as Chicago recently, but there were temperatures reaching -10 degrees Farhenheit. So. Cold. I was staying at the top of an old apartment building, and as I walked down the stairs, I could feel the cold just seeping through my jeans and leggings into my legs. Brr.

[The coldest I think I've ever been.]

[View from my window.]

Highlights of the trip included: Getting to celebrate my friend's birthday with her, visiting the Hermitage and Faberge Egg Museums, speaking Russian, and seeing friends that I knew from serving a Latter-day Saint mission in Ukraine.

[Neva under snow.]

[Frosted windows meet classical statuary.]

[The Hermitage]

[The Peacock Clock]

[Serious "Once Upon a December" vibes here.]

[and here, too.]

[Rembrandt's, The Prodigal Son]

[Cathedral of the Savior on Spilled Blood]

[Faberge Museum]

[Oh yeah! I also went to the Dostoevsky Museum and definitely had a moment here.]

[Dostoevsky's Petersburg, about 150 years later.]

The archives themselves were more bureaucratic than those I have experienced thus far in the States or in the UK. Ordering documents takes 3 business days, so in order to get good archival work done, you have to be at the archives for at least two weeks. Also, 19th-century Russian cursive is a nightmare to decipher (but, I got better as I went along).  

[Hello there, microfilm reader.]

Lowlights of the trip included: It's hard to be away from Sam (but he gets back tomorrow! Hooray!), St. Petersburg is dark in the winter and I run on sunlight, and in typical Eastern European misogynistic fashion, I got groped on the way to a friend's birthday party (I am fine, but I am still mad about that. Will continue to be mad about that).  Those are the things that don't make it onto an Instagram story, but they are part of the entire experience. (That, and the random guy sleeping outside the apartment one morning--ohhhh, Eastern Europe.)

[The original StairMaster]

I also had a flight cancelled from Zurich to Newark, but in a stroke of my best worst luck with planes, the airline was very generous and paid for a hotel and a flight for the next day. So, I got to explore Zurich a bit and get home. Hooray.

[Hanging out in Zurich.]

Overall, I'm glad I went. From the beautiful Russian orthodox cathedrals, to being able to be back in a place I love, to drinking Russian juice (seriously so good), to seeing people I love, I feel lucky that I was able to be there for a bit. But next time, hopefully Sam will be able to join me.

And a happy new year

It's interesting, looking at the "archive" list that I have of this blog and seeing the number of posts I have throughout the year. Last year I had a pretty low number of posts. Working on a PhD can definitely do that to you, especially as time starts to become not your own. So many deadlines, so many chunks of reading to do. I'm happy to say that the semester is now over (and has been for about a week or so), and there was SUCH A HUGE BURDEN OFF MY SHOULDERS when I turned in those papers, because I am officially done with coursework for my Phd program. And that feels so good. Now it's just onto general examination time, which is its own beast to face, but it's something different.

So, that brings me to my (what seems to be) monthly update on my life (though, this is a resolution of mine--to be more deliberate about writing on my blog because 1) I like it, and 2) it's the kind of social media sharing that I like the most, even though I know it gets the least amount of traffic).

To close out 2018, Sam and I spent a lot of time with family and friends in Utah and Boston. We also enjoyed getting to be outside a lot (in Utah) and eating at really yummy places (in Boston . . . though unfortunately I got food poisoning at one of those places, so now I'm sadly turned off from lobster rolls. But the rest of the food was really good!).

[Loving those bright blue Utah skies]

[Tubing with the family]

[Sam and I went snowshoeing in Sundance and it was really fun.]

💗

[In the meadow, we can build a snowman]

[Different view of Timp]

We were also able to attend the wedding of our good friends, Bailey and James, while in Boston, and it was so lovely, and very much them.

[The Emmanuel Church in Boston]

[We love Bailey and James!]

[In between the ceremony and the reception, we hung out at the Boston Public Library]

[At the reception. So literary. Very lovely. Much wow.]

[I might have taken two . . .]

[At the Dostoevsky table with all the cool kids]

[Quite the view]

[We also got to see Greer and Nathan, which was so nice.] 

And then, when we got back to Princeton, to ring in the New Year (and to take a break during essay-writing time for me), we were able to go to the Metropolitan Opera in New York, where we saw Aida. Princeton has an opera ticket lottery, and I ended up winning tickets, so it made for a nice date night, complete with a very classy dinner at a gyro food truck. (And, honestly, the gyros were really yummy.) We also ran into some Princeton friends, so when the opera ended around 11:30 pm and the next train to Princeton was at 12:45, we had some friends to talk with on the train ride home.

[The Lincoln Center at night--also, New York shows up to the opera.]

[Feeling fancy]

[For the record, we did enjoy the opera, especially the scenery and costumes--the spectacle of it all. It was reallllly long, though, and I didn't know that it would be about 4.5 hours long.]

At the moment, I'm in Russia doing research while Sam is in Uganda for work. Let's just say that we're looking forward to being together again.