Come to the Feast of Love

As many of you know, I love Christmas songs, Love them. They are filled with a kind of wonder, radiance, and reverence that just fills my soul.

And every year, I seem to have a new favorite Christmas carol. Of course I love them all. Because, I mean, it's Christmas. But every year, there seems to be one which resonates with me more than others.

Last year it was "What Child is This?" Что за Дитя . Christmas 2012. Харьков, Украина. Kharkov, Ukraine. Forever in my heart. 

This year . . . well, this year my favorite is "O Come, O Come Emmanuel." For so many reasons. 

-The melody is just beautiful. It is full of longing and hope. Plaintive. A prayer. Our prayer. We, who are lost, lonely, forsaken, forgotten. Captive Israel. It is our prayer. It is my prayer. Come, Lord Jesus. O come, o come, Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel. Rescue me. 

-The words. Oh, the words. They are--they are holy:

"O come, O come, Emmanuel 
And ransom captive Israel 
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear. 
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel 
Shall come to thee, O Israel. 

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel. 

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here. 
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight. 
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel 
Shall come to thee, O Israel." 

There is so much beauty, power, suffering, and hope in those words. 

It is a hymn for us. In our time. Today. 

-Another reason . . . well, if you couldn't already guess, another reason I love this song is because of the mission. 
It is because I labored in the Lord's Vineyard for 18 months in Ukraine. 
A served and loved God's children there. 
Wept with them . . . and for them. 
Laughed with them. 
Prayed with them. 
And they are quite literally "captive Israel." The House of Israel. Children of His promises. They have been lost. But now are found. They are being gathered in. One-by-one. "Thus Zion's light is bursting forth to bring her ransomed children home." 
This is their story. This is their song: "Who mourn in lonely exile here/Until the Son of God appear." 

They have been in the dark for so long--"searching in darkness, nations have wept; watching for dawn, their vigil they've kept. All now rejoice, the long night is o'er--truth is restored once more!" 

Their time is now. Our time is now. The day is here: 

"Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel 
Shall come to thee, O Israel." 

Christ, the healer of nations, is come. 
He was born to bring light. 
He is risen to give life. 
He lives to free, heal, love, and bless. 
Prince of Peace.
King of Kings.
Wonderful.
God is with us.



"Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel." --Isaiah 7:14

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the mighty God, the everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace." --Isaiah 9:6

Don't mind me while I freak out with excitement

Guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!!!!!!

Guess who gets back from her mission in less than TWO HOURS?

Cectpa Nevers!

[unfortunately I can't post any pictures of us as companions in Ukraine, because we've been asked not to post any pictures online from Ukraine. So you'll just have to imagine us being all cute and missionary-like.]

I'm so excited. So incredibly excited. Ah. Freaking out. Yes, you, the blogging world has to know.

Because there are only so many times in life when you meet someone and they become your best-friend-kindred-spirit-sister.

Who would have thought I'd find her in Ukraine?

God is good.

[And don't worry. As soon as I see her again and we get a picture, the world will know. Because it has to know. SHE'S ALMOST HOME!!!!!!]

How Little Women Relates to My Life, Part the Second

I know that I just wrote a huge-monster-sized post about how I'm über-excited about how I actually have dreams to work towards. 

Bear with me, this will be another long post. 

But it's aching to get out of my heart, so I need to write. 

Remember how I decided that I am Jo? 

Well, there's another reason why. 

Jo has three sisters. She loves her sisters very much and would do anything for them. Her dreams are based upon their happiness. In fact, it's hard for Jo when they all start going their separate ways. Her sisters are her world. 

Aren't they so cute?

I have three sisters, too. And I would do anything for them.

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of all four of us together. I have lots with Sarah and Katy (the ones on missions right now), but none with all four of us together. Problem. We will have to fix that. Someday. [Erika, I promise that I love you, too. I just can't find a picture with all four of us together.]

For right now, I'll just post this. It's from this summer when I got home from my mission. We're all here and we all look genuinely happy.

Yay! Happy family. Love them. 

But. The point is that like Jo, I love my family. I love my siblings. I love my sisters. They are my life. And I want them to be happy. 

It's bittersweet watching us all grow up and go our separate ways, even though they are all good, wonderful ways to go. I mean, two of my sisters are on missions right now. They are incredible and brave. It's not easy giving them up, but I am glad they have chosen to serve the Lord. 

You know that feeling you get when you realize that nothing is going to be the same? Yeah. Nothing will be the same. We're growing up. We're forging our own lives. We're becoming the women we need to be. 

Even though these are wonderful things, it's still not easy. I miss them. I miss them an awful lot. 

So recently, another song from Little Women which has resonated with me is "Fire Within Me." Jo sings it after Beth's death, and it describes her anguish at how things haven't turned out the way she had hoped, and then how she realizes that her sisters are and always will be a part of her. 

Because there are no good Youtube videos/recordings of this song (they are all high school students singing for their school plays. No offense to high school thespians, but they are not Sutton Foster), I'm just going to put down the lyrics. They are absolutely beautiful, and describe my feelings pretty accurately: 

"How do I go on?
Just an empty room
All I have are memories
I need a task to do
Someone give me a task to do
I need a....

I thought that somehow we would always have forever
I thought the promises we made would have a different end
I thought the love we shared would keep us as we were
It was the fire within me

We dreamed and plotted with abandon in this attic
When we were gathered here the room became our citadel
We were amazing then my sisters and I
They were the fire within me

In this room I knew we were alive
Nothing was too painful to survive
We faced the world together
The four of us forever side by side
Everything I promised was for them
I was theirs no matter where or when
How can that be lost forever
How when I gave everything with all my heart?

[Jo starts writing about her sisters and then has an epiphany:]

Everything I promised them is here
All of us we used to be
We will always have each other
They will always be the fire in my heart
Here I go, and there's no turning back
My great adventure has begun
I may be small
But I've got giant plans
To shine as brightly as the sun
Here in all the smallest details of the past
Here in this attic suddenly life is something vast
The four of us forever here at last
As unexpected as can be
Astonishing." 

Yes, things are different. But we will always have each other (no matter how cliche that sounds). If we want it, we will always be there for each other and be each other's best friends.

I know this is extremely sappy.  

But it's the truth. There is power in sisterhood. And I'm so grateful that I have the best sisters anyone could ask for. 

How Little Women Relates to My Life, Part 1

To those who aren't aware, I've been working on my Honors Thesis. It's about Louisa May Alcott's Little Women. 

Needless to say, I've been on a Little Women kick recently. I just finished re-reading the book (and it's amazing--simply beautiful), and then I decided that I needed to watch the 1994 film with Winona Ryder, and then I found out there's a Little Women musical, so I've been listening to the music and falling in love with it.

Here are some highlights from my research so far:

Just kidding. That is NOT the most important thing I have learned from my research. But, Christian Bale is perfect as Laurie. Also, Christian Bale is just really attractive, okay? 

And this scene? Where Jo completely shuts him down? You feel so bad for Laurie. Also, let's just talk about how she turns down Christian Bale. Takes a brave woman to do that. 

Anyway . . . 

Really, one of the most fun and interesting things for me as I've been doing this research on Little Women is relating the characters and situations to my own life. I'm an English major, and that is just what I do. Let's be honest, I'm a reader and that's what I do. One reason I love to read is because I can relate to and see myself in characters, and I learn from their joys, mistakes, and heartaches and work through my own as I enter their world. I could go on about the joys of reading and literature, but that's a series of blog posts for another day. 

So, of course I have been trying to figure out which March sisters my sisters and I are most like. (Because there are four of us, just like there are four March sisters.)  

If it's been awhile since you've read Little Women, or if you're not familiar with the story, I'll give a brief description of the four sisters: 

Meg--she's the oldest. When she's younger, she wants to be rich, marry wealthy, and go to fancy parties. When she grows up, she falls in love with a poor man, and she's more than okay with that, because she really loves him. 

Jo--she is the independent, fiery sister. She wants to be a writer. She wants to change the world, and no one is going to stand in her way. As she grows up, life mellows her out a bit, but she still never abandons her dreams. 

Beth--she's the sweet, quiet, shy, kind sister. She is truly an angel. She ends up dying. 

Amy--stereotypical youngest child. She's selfish and ambitious, but at her core she has a heart of gold. 

Honestly, I feel like I am a mix of all of the sisters. Some days I'm more like Meg, other days I'm Beth, and sometimes I am fiery, determined Jo. 

Recently, I've been having a Jo-streak. (And I'm totally okay with that, because Jo is awesome.) 

Let me explain. 

This semester has been full of changes for me. It's been different in so many ways. It's been stressful, but very fulfilling. One of the reasons this semester has been so rewarding is that I actually have a life plan that I'm excited about! Like, I have a career goal and plans. And I'm excited about them. 

I won't go into too much detail (if you really want to know, just ask me, and I will talk your ear off), but let's just say that it involves academia. And probably too many years in grad school. And it may end up looking something like this: 

[image courtesy of buzzfeed.com]

But I promise there's a reason. A really, really good reason to go to grad school. Now I have a dream to work toward. And I'm excited. 

Which brings me to why I feel like Jo. Because she also has her goals, and she is determined to reach them. She's not afraid to dream. She's not afraid to work for her dreams, even if they seem impossible. Right now, this is me. 

I may or may not have been listening to music from Little Women: The Musical (which is brilliant, by the way--it's so, so good--I love it) and I just have to share the song which has been the theme of my life for the past few weeks . . . minus the part about someone asking me to marry him. Because that hasn't happened and probably won't for some time. So don't worry. 

The song begins to describe my life around 1:20. So you can just skip to there. 

Here are the lyrics: 

"I thought home was all I'd ever want
My attic all I'd ever need.
Now nothing feels the way it was before
And I don't know how to proceed.
I only know I'm meant for something more
I've got to know if I can be
Astonishing

There's a life
That I am meant to lead
A life like nothing I have known
I can feel it
And it's far from here
I've got to find it on my own

Even now I feel its heat upon my skin.
A life of passion that pulls me from within,
A life that I am making to begin.
There must be somewhere I can be
Astonishing
Astonishing

I'll find my way
I'll find it far away
I'll find it in unexpected and unknown
I'll find my life in my own way
Today

Here I go
And there's no turning back
My great adventure has begun
I may be small
But I've got giant plans
To shine as greatly as the sun

I will blaze until I find my time and place
I will be fearless,
Surrendering modesty and grace
I will not disappear without a trace
I'll shout and start a riot
Be anything but quiet
Christopher Columbus! 
I'll be Astonishing
Astonishing
Astonishing

At Last!"

This is me right now. 

I am Jo, standing on the threshold of something bigger than myself. At least, that's how I feel. Idealistic? Yes. But I am a dreamer, and ever will be. 

I may be small, but I've got giant plans to shine as brightly as the sun.

                                               [image courtesy of thedisneyprincess.tumblr.com]

The future is bright. No more waiting for my life to begin. It begins today. 

I'll be astonishing at last. 

What being done with finals feels like

Rapunzel = me.

Flynn Ryder = everyone else.

Sorry, everyone else.

freeeeeeeeeeeedooooooooooooooooom! 

It's Finals Week . . .

. . . which means that I am in a hoodie and sweatpants (comfort over style wins every time), cranking out final papers and trying really hard to care when I just want to be home decorating sugar cookies.

It also means that I am feeling super-snarky.

It's just that time of year.

Finals. Snarkiness. Apathy.

Such a great combo.

I apologize to anyone in my path.

Who am I kidding? I'm feeling snarky. I'm not apologizing to anyone.

Watch out, world. Better get out of my way before it's too late.

[Also, apparently using periods in texts means that you're angry? Just another reason everyone hates grammar freaks. Because everyone thinks you're hating on them when in reality, you are just OCD. Oh, well. I'm over it.]

Strength and Vulnerability

Disclaimer: I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic the entire semester. I still don’t have all of my ideas the way I’d like them, and I know that there is so much to say about this subject. I won’t be able to express my thoughts exactly the way I want to, but that’s the way it goes sometimes. I am showing you my vulnerability by writing about vulnerability.

In Ether 12, Moroni writes a beautiful discourse about faith. However, half-way through the chapter, he interrupts his sermon and begins to write down his doubts and insecurities about his worthiness of his calling—the record-keeper. He does not feel like he is a good-enough writer and compares himself to other great writers of the Book of Mormon (especially the Brother of Jared). Moroni expresses his concerns to God—expresses that he is weak, vulnerable, even, and he fears that his weakness will make the Book of Mormon susceptible to mockery and ridicule.

As Moroni laments over his vulnerability, the Lord offers this counsel:

            

“Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness. And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:26-27).

This seems paradoxical: when we’re weak, we’re strong? But it doesn’t mean that weakness equates to cowardliness or being a pushover. There is a deeper meaning to vulnerability; a strength that comes from recognizing our weakness and opening ourselves up to others. I believe there is power in vulnerability. There is strength in meekness. And the weak things of the world can overcome the mighty and proud. 

I don't know how many of you have watched Brené Brown's TED Talk, "The Power of Vulnerability," but I highly recommend it. (In fact, go watch it. Go watch it right now. Here’s the link. It's about 20 minutes long, and worth every minute.)

In her speech, Brown talks about how she always equated vulnerability with shame, fear, and weakness, and then set out to prove her point through research. However, she found that "wholehearted individuals" (her term), are individuals who are happy with who they are and believe that they are worthy of being loved and accepted actually embrace vulnerability; they don't turn away from it. Their courage, compassion, and connection to others is brought about by being vulnerable and authentic. Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, and allows us to be whole, loved, and connected. It's an interesting idea--life-changing, even. 

Vulnerability comes to play in relationships—family relations, friendships, or romantic relationships. You have to be willing to put yourself “out there”—you have to be willing to love and care, and you have to be willing to get hurt. Love is vulnerability. It is opening up your heart to someone; it is letting them see your insides—the good and the bad parts. It is giving that same heart to someone else and hoping that he or she will take care of it—that they won’t give it back, drop it on the ground, or damage it in any way . . . but instead cherish it—cherish you. That hope is vulnerability. Relationships require both sides to be committed to vulnerability.

           

“And then you take that love you made and stick it into some-

            Someone else’s heart, pumping someone else’s blood

            And walking arm-in-arm, you pray it don’t get harmed

            But even if it does, you just do it all again.” ~Regina Spektor, On the Radio

Vulnerability and love go hand-in-hand. You can’t have one without the other. That is why love—especially choosing to love—is so frightening. By reaching out and giving of ourselves, we show our vulnerability. We “put ourselves out there,” not knowing how the other will receive us—if they will accept us or reject us. We hope they will—pray that they will take us and accept us and care for us like we want to care for them—but in the end, we don’t know how it will be received until it is . . . or until it’s not received, as can often be the case.

And then what?

            

Well, it hurts. It hurts an awful lot. We’re all experienced that aching pain of heartbreak, and we know that the radio waves practically swim with breakup songs and songs about unrequited love. But just as we’ve experienced that pain, we know that we've just as easily inflicted it on others.

            

But just because it hurts doesn’t mean we should give up.

            

It also doesn’t mean that we should throw caution to the wind and purposefully allow ourselves to get hurt. Our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls have defense mechanisms for a reason. There are some people we shouldn’t trust with our innermost, sacred selves.

            

But if we put up too many walls, no one will be able to find us in order to love us . . . we'll come to a point where we'll be so hardened that we can't love ourselves or anyone else around us. 

            

I believe that we have to decide to overcome fear in order to create healthy, lasting, loving relationships.

I see BYU students’ fear of being vulnerable all of the time . . . and I’m not excluded. We’re afraid of getting hurt, or of hurting someone else, and so we don’t act. We just don’t act. We’re paralyzed by fear and so we stay in the same place, without giving or taking—just breathing, never moving forward. But "to choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation" (Yann Martel, Life of Pi). When we close ourselves off or refuse to take chances, it's because we figure that the risks loom larger and hurt more than the joy the possible rewards could bring. But by closing ourselves, we lose any opportunity to form wonderful friendships, relationships, and have incredible opportunities for growth.

I believe more and more every day that love is a choice. And since it is a choice, it requires faith and action. Part of that action means being vulnerable—opening yourself up and letting someone else open himself up to you, too. If we choose to become hardened and calloused, then we cannot receive the love that people want to give us. Even more importantly, we cannot give. We may be safe, yes, but safe from what? Safe from hurt? Perhaps. But also cut off from growth, change, and refinement. Safe from fear? But if we close ourselves off from others, we are acting out of fear and not from love. What do we keep out as we close ourselves off in our self-made citadels of pride and fear?

It is when we open ourselves up to love others and to allow others to love us that we find beauty. Vulnerability gives us strength. It gives us more opportunities to love and for others to love us. It helps us find who we truly are and gives us confidence. It deepens us. Sometimes it breaks our hearts, but then—as long as we choose to not let fear overcome us—it gives us empathy. We are able to care more and to understand more.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say (and this is just as much for me as for anyone who reads my blog—all five of you) is don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Be vulnerable. Be genuine. Open up. Ask that girl out. Talk to your crush. Make a new friend. Decide to fall in love. Decide to be willing to move a relationship forward. Take a chance. Reach out. Share a secret. Share of yourself. Forgive. Love.

           

“Perfect love casteth out all fear.”

See also: 

To Love at All . . .