Reflections on Holy Week (featuring some T.S. Eliot)

"April is the cruellest month." 

T.S. Eliot's infamous opening line has been ringing through my head this month--and this week.

For Eliot (at least, how I interpret the beginning of the poem), April was the cruelest month because of the way it brought the past back to the present--memory and desire, lilacs out of dead land--and the pain of realizing that his friends, his generation, his understanding of the way the world worked--were gone. Spring would never be the same again. The loss was too great for spring to ever look, smell, sound, or be the same again.

 This Holy Week, I've been thinking about loss. I've been thinking of loss in connection to the fire that devastated Notre Dame Cathedral on Monday. And beyond that, I've thought of the myriad losses of stone, art, beauty, faith, knowledge, and memory that have been lost throughout centuries, that are being lost right now. Losses unacknowledged by social media. Losses that are, perhaps, more devastating because no one remembers.

Loss is real. And not just of beautiful stone cathedrals, but of people. The people who have been lost and whose names we don't know is soul-shattering. The amount of people who have disappeared, whose names have vanished into the dust, or whose only records is of violence done to them. The human magnitude of loss is so cosmic and so personal.

The magnitude of this loss takes my breath away sometimes--not from the beauty or sublimity of it, but more in a punch-in-the-gut kind of way. It is staggering. As I've been preparing for my comprehensive exams, I've read and re-read account of the horrors humans have, through time, space, and medium, inflicted upon each other out of greed, fear, ambition, power, neglect. Genocides. Slavery. Purges. The pages of world history are soaked with blood.

But loss affects us on personal, deep, intimate levels as well. It is hard to remember that statistics are personal to someone--often, they are personal to us. Who among us hasn't lost someone dear to us? Even if we haven't experienced the death of a family member or friend yet, losses come in other forms: the loss of trust, the loss of confidence, the loss of hope.

Personal loss struck home this week as I heard that an acquaintance from Salt Lake tragically fell to his death while hiking in southern Utah. His death has reverberated across the community I know there and the church congregation where I attended. Accidents like that are shocking reminders of how fragile life is.

April is the cruellest month.

As I continue to grow up (perhaps "grow older" is a better term), I realize more and more that no one is spared being broken. No one is spared the loss that living in this world brings. NO one is spared the second law of thermodynamics. We go the way of all the earth. Broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken spirits all around us--perhaps that is us. Loss of peace, loss of hope, loss of direction, loss of job, loss of security, loss of loved ones, loss of life.

How do we stand it? How do you stand it?

We each find our ways, I suppose.

For me, and for the Christian world, that hope is found through Christ. And for me, hope doesn't mean a fleeting wish. Hope is a stronger word than that. I think that, too often (at least as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), we are afraid of what the darkness means that we paint pain in shades of "everything will work out in the end." And, it will. Ultimately, because of Christ, everything will work out. But some of my fellow Saints don't seem to deal with the concept of tragedy very well. I understand that is a hard ask, especially at different times in our lives. But I also think that there is a reason that we covenant at baptism to "mourn with those who mourn," just as much as we covenant to "comfort those who stand in need of comfort." Mourning has its purpose. And I think that there is understanding to be gained from those times in the abyss. Understanding that makes us more empathetic, softer, loving, and patient. Understanding that there must be opposition in all things. Understanding for just a taste of Christ's sacrifice for all of us.

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope of the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting. [. . .]
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. [. . .]
Not lost, but requiring, pointing to the agony
Of death and birth." --T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"

So yes, I have a hope. It is a hope that comes from the waiting, and a hope that recognizes the "agony of death and birth," since both remind us of loss and possibility. A hope that is centered in Christ--from a hope and belief that He descended into that abyss, and then triumphantly conquered death, hell, pain, abuse, and suffering. that He rose from the dead. That He has a resurrected, tangible body. That He lives.

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God." (Ether 12:4)

So if we have that hope--what do we do with that? How do we make this world a better place?

I do not take that hope lightly. I think that, perhaps, sometimes we forget that Friday and Saturday for Christ's disciples were absolutely tragedies for them. That Sunday came and when Mary told the apostles that she had seen the resurrected Lord, they were dumbfounded and didn't believe her (and as a side note: that is a post for another day--how much it means to me that Jesus first appeared after His resurrection to a woman). When the miracle came on Sunday, it surprised them. He surprised them. They couldn't believe it. When our resurrection, miracle Sundays come to us--whether after three days, three weeks, three years, or longer--sometimes it is hard to accept the joy, as we are still trying to cope with tragedy.

[J. Kirk Richards, "Woman, Why Weepest Thou?" 

But I believe in a God who understands that it can be hard to believe good things can come. I believe that because I believe Christ really did take on our individual pains and sins when He suffered for us in Gethsemane and on the cross at Calvary. So He knows the doubt, anguish, and disbelief we feel  at times. That He knows our pains and our names personally, no matter how lost we feel.

One of my favorite quotes of all time (and I mean this here--I say that everything is "my favorite" too often, but this one really is one of my absolute favorites), is by Chieko M. Okazaki. She was a leader in the Church during the 1990s and her talks and teachings speak to my soul. This quote in particular touches me, and touches me in different ways each time I read it. It was addressed specifically to women, but the message is universal:

"We know that Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It's our faith that he experienced everything- absolutely everything. Sometimes we don't think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don't experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced Napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.

"Let me go further. There is nothing you have experienced as a woman [or a man] that he does not also know and recognize. On a profound level, he understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy. He understands both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion. 

"His last recorded words to his disciples were, "And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world." (Matthew 28:20) He understands your mother-pain when your five-year-old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old. He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that. He's been there. He's been lower than all that. 

"He's not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don't need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.

You know that people who live above a certain latitude and experience very long winter nights can become depressed and even suicidal, because something in our bodies requires whole spectrum light for a certain number of hours a day. Our spiritual requirement for light is just as desperate and as deep as our physical need for light. Jesus is the light of the world. We know that this world is a dark place sometimes, but we need not walk in darkness. The people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, and the people who walk in darkness can have a bright companion. We need him, and He is ready to come to us, if we'll open the door and let him."

The cosmic and the intimate. To me, they are forever connected. It is the intimate that makes the cosmic possible.

If April has been a cruel month to you, I wish you peace and courage, regardless of your beliefs or devotions.

And for those who might need to read my words, know that I believe in Jesus Christ. I know He lives and that His love is real.

Christ is risen. In truth, He is risen.

And that makes it all possible.

Melancholy talks is apparently what we're good at

Today, Sam and I gave talks in church today. After the meeting, people in our church congregation were very kind and saying that we had done great, etc., etc.

One of our really good friends came up to us and said, "Those were great talks, but there was kind of, like, this melancholy but hopeful quality about them. It felt very Eastern European, and I'm sure there's a word for that in Russian."

There is. It's "toska"--Тоска--which roughly translates to sadness, melancholy, wistfulness, yearning, etc., etc.

Maybe it's time for some lighter material?

Quick recap on the entire reason I moved to Salt Lake in the first place

The past few months, I've been working in Salt Lake City for LDS Church Magazines. It's been a great opportunity and experience. 

Some of my favorite things about the internship include the commute . . . not the driving part, but the walking from my car to the Church Office Building--I love seeing the Salt Lake Temple in the early morning, and it was fun to see the lights on Temple Square come up in the evening. 

I've had some really neat experiences while working with the Church, from interviewing Dutch Hunger Winter survivors to writing meaningful articles to interacting with incredible people, including my fellow interns. 

[Wonderful, wonderful, talented women.]

[The intern band at the Christmas Party.]

[We all really wanted a hippopotamus for Christmas. So it was only fitting that we sang the song. I was on kazoo duty. Kazoo duty is the best duty.]

There's too much to recap about all of my experiences working for the Church the past few months, but I am happy that I chose to come. It is a privilege to work with high-caliber, talented people with a desire to be good and do good. 

In which I realize that I am actually part Slytherin. Or Spartan.

Once upon a time in a land not too far away, Megan was a cute little twelve-year-old with huge glasses, braces, and an obsession with ancient Greece. This obsession was enabled by the fact that her 6th-grade class was studying ancient Greece, and her teacher had divided their class up into "polises." 

Megan was sure that she would be assigned into Athens. I mean, she was pretty Athenian down to her core, right? Loved the arts, loved literature, loved winning debates . . . Athens must be her polis. 

But nope. She got Sparta. 

Which made no sense to her. Sparta was the athletic polis. They were the warriors. 

Whenever Megan played soccer, she always got kicked in the face. She was the second-slowest runner in her class. So she generally stayed away from sports and would swing on the swingset, or make up imagination games with her friends. 

But here she was. In Sparta. 

But what Megan soon discovered while in Sparta was that her thirst for competiton was just as fierce as any Spartan's. 

And there was a rule, written right in the "We are Sparta!" worksheet, saying that they, as Spartans, could do whatever it took to win. Whatever. They could beg, steal, borrow, or barter (or lie, or bribe, or whatever) to win. But particularly to beat Athens. 

You shouldn't tell that to twelve year olds. Particularly to usually-demure twelve year olds. Because when you do, the floodgates break loose, and drama always ensues. 

Well, my Spartan mentality came back to me Monday night during our ward Family Home Evening activity. 

[Quick aside: Basically, for those unfamiliar with Mormon terminology, a ward is a congregation of Mormons. Like, a mob of ravens, a dazzle of zebras, a ward of Mormons. Family Home Evening is a Mormon tradition where you spend Monday night doing activities with your family. For a Young Single Adult ward, Family Home Evening can be any number of permutations. Usually they involve doing silly things or playing sports. And they always involve food.]

Anyway, this Monday we had a road rally/scavenger hunt. You had thirty minutes to do/find and photograph or video yourself and those in your group doing a bunch of random things. They could be anything from finding a Utah state quarter to making a half-court shot blindfolded. 

My roommates and I were really skeptical and didn't think it would be very fun, but then our competitive natures came out. And we had a little bit too much fun. 

Here's some proof: 

[My head is cut off. But we managed to do this human pyramid.]

[Becky just happened to have a sewing mannequin? Weird. So Jessica gladly posed next to it.]

[Planking.]

[Yoga poses.]

We were running around our apartment and the apartment complex trying to get as many things done on the list as possible. One of the girls jumped in the pool. We also took a super awkward picture of Marcus giving me a piggyback ride. Basically, we are crazy. 

And we found anyway to bend the rules to make it work. Or more like, make what we were doing fit inside the rules. Like how Becky wrote "For Sale" and held it up for me to take a picture to say that we had a picture of us with a "For Sale" sign. (Hey. It works.) 

We also attempted that half-court shot. And by we attempted, I mean that we asked the teenagers who were playing basketball to make a half-court shot for us. (Hey, there was nothing that said we had to make the shot ourselves. Just that we had to have a video of someone making the shot.) And the kid made the shot! And it was on video! And we knew that we had most likely won, because, dude, that was worth 500 points! 

[Also, as an aside, one of the items on the scavenger hunt was, "Get an autograph from a stranger." So Becky had the kid who made the shot autograph her hand, because that's all we had. And he signed it "Young-sexy." So this is where we are in America today.] 

We zoomed over to the church building to get there on time, added up our points, gloated that we had made a half-court shot, and were generally congratulating ourselves on winning. #teamwinning for the win. Per usual. 

We looked like Slytherin about to win the House Cup. 

And I say that literally. And that "about" is important. 

Because when the moment of truth came, and we were announced the winners, the judges of course asked to see the video of the half-court shot. 

And we couldn't find it. 

We accidentally deleted it. 

And so the House Cup was taken away from Slytherin and given to a bunch of boisterous Gryffindors. 

I never identified so much with Draco Malfoy as I did in that moment. 

Another team did vouch for us and say that the kid had made the shot, but it was too late. Dumbledore had already given Neville Longbottom those 10 extra points and it was over. 

Well, it was fun while it lasted. 

For all my Ravenclaw-ness, I guess there's a little bit of Slytherin (and Sparta) in me after all. 

A Day in Parliament with Elder Oaks

Two weeks ago, I had a really neat opportunity to listen to Elder Dallin H. Oaks (a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) address an All-Party Parliamentary Group in the House of Lords. He spoke about the importance of international religious freedom and of the need for religious voices to be part of the public square.

I had this surreal moment in the House of Lords--it was standing room only in the room, but there were two extra seats at the round table (where the speakers were sitting alongside other dignitaries). The chair mentioned that there were two seats available and that someone should take the seat. My friends (who were standing with me) said that I should take it, but I hesitated. Finally, one of my friends said, "If you go, I'll go." So we went to sit at the front.

I just sat there--sitting with world leaders in government, religion, and law--and I thought for a moment: "Is this really reality? This can't be my life." But there you go. For a moment, that was my life. And it was such a surreal moment.

[This is the best picture I have of us with Elder Oaks at Parliament.]

[Some of the Oxford Crew at Parliament.]

[Dani and Meg Go to Parliament.]

 On Thursday, Elder Oaks came to Oxford to participate in a symposium on religious freedom. I was asked to be Sister Oaks's "go-to" woman, so I spent a good part of the day getting to know her. I really like her; she's an incredibly kind, insightful, and accomplished woman.

[With Elder and Sister Oaks.]

Anyway, it was a very busy two days, but also a very full two days. It was my first time ever meeting an LDS apostle, so it was also a special experience for me. I know that they are not perfect, but I really do believe that these men are called of God to represent the Savior and to do His work on the earth today.

Love bade me welcome

In honor of Valentine's Day (and in honor of Valentine's Day falling on a Sunday this year), I'm posting a favorite love poem of mine.

Love (III) by George Herbert

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lacked anything.

"A guest," I answered, "worthy to be here":
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord; but I have marred them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

I gave a sermon today in church, and I quoted this poem. I thought it was appropriate for Valentine's Day.

I could say more (I probably should say more), but I am tired and think I'll just end with this song which has been running through my head all day long.





No more a stranger, nor a guest . . . but like a child at home.

Be still and know.

[london england temple.]

"Press forward. We will all, in the course of this brutal and beautiful mortality, find ourselves in dark places. We may find ourselves unsure and disgruntled and full of sincere and frightening doubt. Don't ever feel ashamed of that. Don't ever try and hide it. The question is not 'why,' but rather 'why not.' Without those moments, without those experiences, we do not and cannot begin to understand Godhood. Those times will come. Those times may be right here, right now. But the key is to press forward; to hold to the rod and press forward, however powerful the urge may be to cease our journey and pitch our tents forever in the wilderness. Just keep pressing forward.

[. . .] 

And that is why I need to tell you, with a gratitude that I cannot express, and with a surety that I cannot articulate, that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. I learned that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is as much for the innocent as it is for the guilty. I learned that as much as the Atonement is for those who have broken laws, and broken commandments, and broken covenants--it is for those who have broken hearts." -- Denise Wilkinson, Reading England Stake Relief Society President 

Tonight I am grateful for faith. 

For my own and for others'. 

For the experiences that we share which strengthen and bind. 

And for the way that faith can shine into a broken heart. 

God be thanked that we have each other

as we stumble, fall, and climb in this blessed, broken 

experience we call mortality. 

A Place of Love and Beauty

"And ye are to be taught from on high. Sanctify yourselves and ye shall be endowed with power, that ye may give even as I have spoken." -- Doctrine and Covenants 43:16 

"For the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ." -- Doctrine and Covenants 84:45

Last Friday I had the incredible honor and opportunity to attend the temple with my dear friend Madison. Madi has decided to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and has been called to serve in the Romania Bucharest Mission.

I am thrilled for her. Missions are life-changing, sacred experiences. I truly believe that they are a way that God shows His love for all of us--both for the ones serving and for those missionaries are called to serve and love.

I also believe that the temple endowment is a gift of God's love and knowledge to His children. It is something that He wants all of His children to receive. There is power which comes from making and keeping promises with God.

It was a sacred privilege to help prepare Madison for her first experience at the temple (although most of that preparation came on her own through her life and her thirst for light and truth). I am simply grateful that I was able to share this special day with her.

Truly, the temple is a place of love and beauty.

"And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things." -- Doctrine and Covenants 88:67 

"According to the desires of their hearts."

*First off, this blog post is written from the perspective of an active young LDS woman. That doesn't mean I have everything put together or figured out (who does), but it does mean that I'm striving to do good and be good and live to be worthy of having the Holy Ghost influence my life. That being said, I know there are people who are not LDS who read my blog, and what I will say below might sound strange to you as I talk about one of the important ways I receive direction and guidance in my life. I think that search for direction and purpose is something we all seek--whether Mormon, Baptist, Hindu, Muslim, Jew, agnostic, or atheist. We all have different ways of seeking and we call it different names. Some people call it "following an inner light," or "trusting their instincts." For me, I really do believe that God cares about our lives, and He will give us guidance through feelings and impressions; that He will speak to our minds and our hearts by the power of the Holy Ghost. Although my experiences may be different from yours, I still hope my words and experiences give you something to think about.
** I talk a lot about feelings in this blog post. I know there are some people who avoid talking about emotions because they can be frustrating and illogical. Emotions are part of being human. And, like it or not, they influence our personal lives and the world we live in. Until we are able to accept that emotions are an important part of our minds and hearts (even if we can't understand them all of the time), then we are at risk of being driven by our emotions instead of being more in control of them. I believe that being self-aware and reflecting on our hearts is crucial to emotional, mental, and social health. Knowing ourselves is key to having a happy, healthy life. And part of knowing ourselves includes knowing our heart.

I've been thinking a lot about hearts these past six months. Specifically about the desires of our hearts. There are a lot of reasons for this. One reason is because I've been making some major life decisions these past months (grad school, anyone?). But another reason is because I think there is a lot to be said about those innermost desires . . . and I think they matter more than we realize. They drive us more than we realize.

We are told in the scriptures that we will be judged according to our works and the desires of our hearts (see D&C 137:9). This is both comforting and terrifying. Comforting, because (at least for me) it reassures me that the Lord does know the desires of my heart and knows that I am striving. Terrifying, because, well, the desires of my heart aren't always as pure as they should be, and my desires shape my works . . . which also aren't always as pure or dedicated as I know they can be.

But ultimately, it makes me thoughtful. It makes me think about my desires. It makes me think about agency, choice, and the consequences of those desires. Because in the end, I really do believe that we get what we want. For better or for worse. And for that reason, as President Joseph F. Smith said, the "education of our desires is one of far-reaching importance to our happiness in this life."

"Desires of our hearts." It sounds almost trite or wishful. Like wanting a pony for Christmas. But there is so much more than that. Desires are not just wishful thoughts or flippant wants. Desires are those innermost feelings that represent our strongest motivations. Desires drive us. They guide our actions. They shape our character. We are a compilation of our desires and the consequences of those desires. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "Our desires clearly control the tilt of our souls."

We see from the scriptures how much God really does care about the desires of our heart--how important they really are. Here are some examples:

-- In the beginning of the Book of Mormon, we see Nephi desiring to see the vision his father saw. As he ponders, the Spirit comes to him and asks Nephi one question:
"What desirest thou?"
Nephi answers, "I desire to behold the things which my father saw."
He wants to know for himself. He wants that knowledge. He wants that experience.
And he is granted the desire of his heart. And then some. (see 1 Nephi 11)

-- In the Book of Enos, we see Enos "wrestling" before God with the desires of his heart, which he describes as his "soul hunger[ing]" after truth, comfort, forgiveness and peace . . . not only for himself and his people, but for his enemies as well. And he receives his witness in a powerful way. (see Enos 1)

-- The Brother of Jared in prayer reminds the Lord that although we "are unworthy before [God] [. . .] nevertheless, O Lord, thou hast given us a commandment that we must call upon thee, that from thee we may receive according to our desires." The Brother of Jared asks the Lord for light. And learns that whatever the Lord touches, shines. (see Ether 3)

-- Most of the revelations in the Doctrine and Covenants come from someone asking a question--they desired more understanding, more direction, more knowledge, more assurance--and God gave it to them.

-- Rebekah wanted to know why she was having complications with her pregnancy. So she asked the Lord, and He gave her understanding and peace, which she was then able to use to influence future generations (Genesis 25:22-23).

-- In a dream, the Lord asked Solomon what he desired from him. Solomon could have asked for anything, but he wanted an "understanding heart." And Solomon used that wisdom to help build the kingdom--not only his kingdom, but the kingdom of God (see 1 Kings 3).

-- Abraham desired to become a "greater follower of righteousness" and to receive knowledge about God and God's promises and covenants (see Abraham 1:2). So he left his home and all he knew, trusting that the Lord would fulfill His promises. The Lord would test Abraham time and time again, but ultimately--the Lord showed Abraham that He does keep His promises, even though the road is never easy.

-- The Savior, in His intercessory prayer, desired that we might be unified and come to know God. Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice in order for us to become "at one" with God. But still, it is our choice if we decide to apply His Atonement in our lives.

I could go on. The scriptures are full of examples of the power of the desires of our hearts. How they compel us to pray. How they lead us to action.

Alma 29:4--"For I know that God granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction."

Alma 41:3-5--"And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged according to their words; and if their works were good in this life, and the desires of their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that which is good. And if their works are evil they shall be restored unto them for evil. [. . .] The one raised to happiness, according to his desires of happiness, or good according to his desires of good; and the other to evil according to his desires for evil; for as he has desired to do evil all the day long even so shall he have his reward of evil when the night cometh."

2 Nephi 2:27-28--"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself. And now, my sons, I would that ye should look to the great Mediator, and hearken unto his great commandments, and be faithful unto his words, and choose eternal life, according to the will of his Holy Spirit."

Helaman 14:31--"God hath given unto you that ye might know good from evil, and he hath given unto that ye might choose life or death; and ye can do good and be restored unto that which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil, and have that which is evil restored unto you."

Whether or not we like it, there is power in those deep, innermost desires of our hearts. And God will honor those desires. He will not force us. He will never force us to come home to Him. If we do not want it--if we are not "willing to receive" all that He has, then He will not force us (see D&C 88:32). God must value agency very, very highly if He will "force no man to heaven." It is sobering. But also . . . there is no other way that we can learn to be like Him if we didn't choose it ourselves. We have to want it. With all of the bruises, frustrations, and heartache that mortality entails. We have to choose His way, and choose to become His disciples, even though the road is never easy. We have to want it. We have to want to choose His way. "We cannot become like Jesus unless we first desire to like Him."  As William Law wrote, "If you will here stop, and ask yourselves, why you are not as pious as the primitive Christians were, your own heart will tell you, that it is neither through ignorance nor inability, but purely because you never thoroughly intended it."

That is a sobering thought.

We have to be completely honest with ourselves. Because even though I think that most of us are striving, we also have conflicting desires. We want to devote more time to working out, but we also want to sleep in. We want to eat healthier, but we also really want to buy that new flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. We want to devote more time to worship (whether through scripture study, prayer, meditation, or temple worship), but we also want to spend more time with friends, or relax by watching a show, or do a million other things that demand our time. How do we lay hold upon every good thing? And how do we figure out which desires are driving us?

I'll admit, I don't have all of the answers. It is still something that I am trying to figure out. But I think that we first have to realize that desires are driving us, and we have to be honest with ourselves. And part of that honesty starts with honest prayer. Elder F. Enzio Busche talks about how prayer and analyzing the desires of our hearts go hand-in-hand:

"The Spirit of Christ teaches that we must pray, that we must ask for the things that we seek . . . But before we can do this with focus, we have to become aware of a multitude of defined or undefined, conscious or subconscious desires. We have to learn to bring them to our awareness, to analyze them, to categorize them, and to bring them in to order according to priorities. When we do not do this, we will be condemned to remain, in our prayers, on a superficial level, or even on the level of formality, where there are no answers or there are only imagined answers. But there are always hundreds of different desires fighting for supremacy within us. The act of categorizing them is a very painful, but needful act to become, in the eyes of God, a mature person and to be taken seriously."

Prayer is a way that our will and desires come into correspondence with God's desires. But before that correspondence can happen, we have to be willing to analyze ourselves and analyze our hearts. Not only can this help us know what to pray for, but it will help us be more confident in ourselves and in God. Being honest with ourselves helps us to focus our efforts to become "more fit for the kingdom."

Certainly, it is important to be aware of the times that our intentions aren't pure. We shouldn't seek to gratify our pride or vain ambitions or surround ourselves with yes-men (or yes-women, for that matter) who say that anything goes, just because we want it. We should be constantly checking ourselves and trying to seek God's will. But at the same time, we need to be agents of choice. We have to act for ourselves and do "many things" of our own free will. There is a difference between seeking the will of the Lord and waiting for Him to tell us what kind of toothpaste to buy. God doesn't want us to be "compelled in all things." (see D&C 58:26-27). For how would we grow?

If we are to become like our Heavenly Parents, then we have to grow up. We must decide to be an agent of choice instead of passively being acted upon. And we must educate and reform those desires if we don't like what we are becoming. As we start to define and refine the desires of our hearts (and as we ourselves are refined through divine tutoring), God will trust us to make our own decisions. Even big decisions, like who to marry or what to major in or where to go to graduate school. I believe that God can use our desires to guide us. What we want really does matter. And it matters to Him.

One of the most important decisions I have made was where to attend graduate school. I put a lot of time, thought, work, and prayer into this decision. And I'm not even just talking about the ultimate decision to go to Oxford. The process itself started over a year-and-a-half ago as I looked at programs, prepared letters of intent, writing samples, and visited schools. And during that process, before I had even submitted my applications, I had impressions that I was going to be in either Washington, D.C. or England the next year. Just feelings. But those feelings reflected desires of my heart and compelled me to action. And as I thought, pondered and prayed throughout the process, both still felt right to me.

And so, of course, when I got the acceptance letters back, I had offers from schools in D.C. and from Oxford. I narrowed my choice to my top two options: Georgetown and Oxford. I know, I know--everyone says that Oxford was the obvious choice. But believe me when I say that this was a tough decision for me and I was looking at the choice from all sides. And as I "studied it out in my mind," sought advice from friends and mentors, and asked God in prayer for direction, I ultimately felt that the decision was up to me. That both of these options were good . . . I just had to choose.

When talking with one of my mentors, I had a conversation which was extremely enlightening. While talking to this mentor, I laid all my cards on the table. I had already gone through the process of thinking things out, and I wanted him to know what all the factors were. This wasn't just a case of, "Oh, help me I don't know what to do, tell me what to do," but, "Look. I know that this is a big decision. I've thought about it a lot. And honestly, the scales are preetttty even. I'm not looking for you to tell me where to go or what to do. But I do want advice. I do want your opinion. And I will take it into consideration. So. Here are all the things I have considered. Is there anything else that I should consider?"

I honestly thought he was going to say that the scales were tipped in Georgetown's favor. But instead he said,

"Look, Megan. You have two great options here. And I don't think you can mess this choice up. It might seem trite, but ultimately it comes down to the heart wants what the heart wants. So. What do you want?"

The heart wants what the heart wants. 
So.
What do you want? 

"Oxford," I immediately said. "I want Oxford."

Then what more do you want from Me? 

What more do you want God to do when He allows you to make the choice of your heart?

Making decisions between two good options can be agonizing. But instead of agonizing about making a wrong decision, maybe we should take a moment to just "glory in the mystery" of life. That there are so many swinging doors. That God opens windows as doors close. That there are so many more good possibilities in life than bad ones. That we can make any decision the "best" decision. That we can seek and strive and accomplish and breathe and laugh and love and live. "Glory in the mystery." And then take a deep breath, come to the edge of opportunity, leap . . . and find that we have wings.

Having that freedom is exhilarating and humbling. True freedom. A choice between two good options.

And then choosing what you want.

Liberating.

Too often I think that we believe that if we desire something, it must not be what God wants. Or if we want something, God will take it away because we want it. I don't think that God is like that. Certainly there is sacrifice. And certainly there are times when we want something so much it hurts--and we pray and pray for this desire and we don't get it. Maybe we don't get it at that moment, or maybe we don't get it at all. And it's not a bad desire at all--it's something good, like starting a family, or getting an education, or serving a mission, or desiring health for a sick or injured loved one. And it's hard--it's really hard when those righteous desires of our hearts are delayed or denied . . . or distorted. Because we don't live in a vacuum. We associate with other imperfect humans with desires and motives who are also using their agency--we experiment on each other, and there are often disastrous results.

So what does it mean when we don't get the desires of our hearts? I don't have a good answer for that question. It's a hard one. And one that I am still thinking about as it has confronted me in my own life and will continue to confront me throughout my life. But I do believe that God is aware of those desires. And He will grant them. In His own way. And in His own time. There is more to the economy of heaven than I can even begin to understand. And I believe God can give us all the peace we desire as we go through the trials and joys of life.

Still, it is a gift to know the desires of your heart. It can be torture at times when we know exactly what we want and it seems like there is no possible way to achieve it. But it is a gift to know what we want. Because as we are aware of those desires, we can choose to act instead of being acted upon. We can take the Holy Ghost as our guide as we educate our desires and as we desire to trust in God. "Choosing to trust in God takes faith. The best guide of all as we seek to choose faith in every footstep is the whisperings of the Holy Spirit."  But if our desire is to have the Holy Ghost with us, our choices and actions will allow us to find God's will--not only for us, but we will desire to have His will be our will, and we will seek ways to do good and be good and to bless His children.

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation." (D&C 6:8)

I know that this is a huge topic. There are so many things I can't touch on right now, and so many questions I still have about desires. But I believe that desires matter more than we realize. And I believe we have a responsibility to be accountable for our desires and for their consequences. I also believe that one of the most important principles of the message of the Restoration is that we are not slaves of circumstance, but we are agents for ourselves. We are free to choose--with all of the terrifyingly glorious responsibility that comes with that knowledge and power.

And I think--and believe--that God is the "giver of good gifts." And sometimes the thing holding us back from our happiness is not God, but rather our own fear.

He wants to give us everything He has.

But we have to choose it.

We have to want it.

So.

What do you want?

For Further Reading (if Megan's "Discourse on Desires" wasn't enough and you want more):

"Live Right Now" by Gerrit W. Gong
"Unleashing the Dormant Spirit"  by F. Enzio Busche (If you are going to read any of these talks, READ THIS ONE.)
"Free to Choose"  by Neal A. Maxwell (Another one of my favorites.)
"The Education of Our Desires" by Neal A. Maxwell
"According to the Desires of [Our] Hearts" by Neal A. Maxwell (Can you tell I love Elder Maxwell?)
"The Desires of Our Hearts" by Dallin H. Oaks
"Resolutions and Desires" by Rachael Givens Johnson (This one is by one of my good friends. She makes some excellent points about how important it is to honestly analyze those conflicting desires of our hearts.)

Христос воскрес! (He is risen)

"But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre. [. . .] Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou hast borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away. Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master." see John 20:11-15 

Jesus just said her name. Just her name. That's all He said. And she knew it was Him. 

He Is Risen, J. Kirk Richards

Today is Easter Sunday.

It is also General Conference Sunday. [Which, by the way, was incredible. There were so many messages which spoke directly to me.]

I don't have a lot to say. I have a lot of thoughts. And a lot of gratitude in my heart. For the words of living prophets and apostles. For answers to prayers. For courage to make hard decisions. For faith to believe in miracles. And mostly, for a Savior, Jesus Christ, who overcame all--death, sin, heartache, and doubt--so that we can live again. Not only at the resurrection day, but every day. Because we need His renewing grace every day.

"So today we celebrate the gift of victory over every fall we have ever experienced, every sorrow we have ever known, every discouragement we have ever had, every fear we have ever faced--to say nothing of our resurrection from death and forgiveness for our sins. That victory is available to us because of events that transpired on a weekend like this more than two millennia ago in Jerusalem." -- Elder Jeffery R. Holland

And so, just know that I have this humble declaration that so many others before me (and many others after me) have stated:

"Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives: I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Happy Easter.

The Joy of Our Redemption

I've been thinking a lot about Eve the past couple weeks. Actually, I've been thinking about her and studying her story deeply over the past year as I've contemplated her story and how a correct understanding of the Fall and of Eve's role in the Fall helps us understand ourselves. Understanding Adam and Eve is crucial to understanding who we are as sons and daughters of God.

There is power in knowing who we are.

There is power in knowing our past.

The Mother of All Living, by Al Young 

And Eve is at the beginning of all of our stories. She is the one who made the courageous, faithful decision to enter mortality. (And I know that this is a different perspective of Eve and the Fall than most people have--and it can be difficult to understand. But I am grateful for restored views of the doctrine of the Fall. The doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches that the Fall was necessary and that Adam and Eve are to be honored for deciding to partake of the fruit. If you have any questions, send me a message and I'd be happy to talk about it.)

Last week, I had the opportunity to present about Eve and how perceptions of Eve affect Mormon women. While there, I had the chance to meet Camille Fronk Olson (whom I deeply admire) and who has written extensively about Eve and other biblical women. It was wonderful to just talk with her (if only for a little bit) about the importance of Eve in the plan of God, and how she is a remarkable role model and example for women and men today.

I also had the opportunity to give a Relief Society lesson at church today about Eve. And it was a wonderful opportunity for me to share what I've learned about Eve this past year. Like I mentioned above, a correct understanding of ourselves and our past empowers and enlightens us. And so I feel like sharing a few quotes, scriptures, and epiphanies about Eve and the Fall which have helped me on my journey to understanding this incredible woman.

Necessity of the Fall: 
2 Nephi 2:14-25 (all of it, but particularly verses 16, 22-25):
v. 16 "Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.
v.22-25 "And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.
And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.
But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.
Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

Moses 5:10-12
"And in that day Adam blessed God and was filled, and began to prophesy concerning all the families of the earth, saying: Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God.
And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.
And Adam and Eve blessed the name of God, and they made all things known unto their sons and their daughters.

Elder Russell M. Nelson:
"Their bodies of flesh and bone were made in the express image of God's. In that state of innocence, they were not yet mortal. They could have no children, were not subject to death, and could have lived in Eden's garden forever. Thus we might speak of the Creation in terms of paradisaical creation. If that state had persisted, you and I would still be stranded among the heavenly host as unborn sons and daughters of God. The great plan [. . .] would have been frustrated. [. . . ] Should they eat from the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil,' their bodies would change; mortality and eventual death would come upon them. But partaking of that fruit was prerequisite to their parenthood. [. . .] While I do not fully understand all the biochemistry involved, I do know that their physical bodies did change; blood began to circulate in their bodies. Adam and Eve thereby became mortal. [. . .] Accordingly, we could speak of the fall of Adam in terms of a mortal creation because 'Adam fell that men might be.'"

Joseph Fielding Smith:
"Adam and Eve did the very thing the Lord intended them to do. If we had the original record we would see the purpose of the Fall clearly stated and its necessity explained."

Elder Russell M. Nelson:
"We and all mankind are forever blessed because of Eve's great courage and wisdom. By partaking of the fruit first, she did what needed to be done. Adam was wise enough to do likewise."

Adam and Eve as Equal Companions 
Genesis 2:18--"And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."
There is a lot of misunderstanding of what "help meet" means. There is a negative connotation--like Eve was made as an afterthought. However, looking at the definition of "help meet" illuminates the text. The Oxford English Dictionary describes "help meet" as "even with or equal to." The Hebrew definition is even more enlightening. The Hebrew word for "help meet" comes from two words--ezer, meaning "to save, to rescue," and has the meaning of something majestic, strong, and powerful; and k'enegdo, which means "equal." Unfortunately, words are lost in translation, but imagine if we read the Genesis text like this: "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a majestic, saving power, equal with him, to be his companion." I think it is glorious. (For more information about the Hebrew definitions, see Beverley Campbell, "Mother Eve, Mentor for Today's Woman: A Heritage of Honor.")

Moses 6:9--"In the image of his [God's] own body, male and female, created he them, and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created and became living souls in the land upon the footstool of God." (emphasis added--but the connotation that Adam is not only a first name, but can also be used to describe Adam and Eve as a couple.)

Elder Bruce R. McConkie:
"Christ and Mary, Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, and a host of mighty men and equally glorious women comprised that group of 'the noble and great ones,' to whom the Lord Jesus said: 'We will go down, for there is space there ,and we will take of these materials, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell."

President Ezra Taft Benson:
"In the beginning, God placed a woman in a companion role with the priesthood. . . . She was to act in partnership with him."

Nature of the Transgression 
Elder Dallin H. Oaks: "For reasons that have not been revealed, this transition, or 'fall,' could not happen without a transgression--an exercise of moral agency amounting to a willful breaking of a law. [. . .] It was Eve who first transgressed the limits of Eden in order to initiate the conditions of mortality. Her act, whatever its nature, was formally a transgression but eternally a glorious necessity to open the doorway toward eternal life. Adam showed his wisdom by doing the same. And thus Eve and 'Adam fell that men might be.'"

Elder Joseph Fielding Smith:
"I never speak of the part Eve took in this fall as a sin, nor do I accuse Adam of a sin. [. . .] There was a transgression of the law, but not a sin . . . for it was something that Adam and Eve had to do!"

Elder Boyd K. Packer:
"The Fall came by transgression of a law, but there was no sin connected with it. There is a difference between transgression and sin. Both always bring consequences. While it may not be sin to step off a roof, in doing so, you become subject to the law of gravity and consequences will follow. [. . .] The fall of man was made from the presence of God to this mortal life."

Elder John A. Widstoe:
"The eternal power of choice was respected by the Lord himself. [. . .] It really converts the command into a warning, as much as to say, if you do this thing, you will bring upon yourself a certain punishment, but do it if you choose. [. . .] The Lord had warned Adam and Eve of the hard battle with earth conditions if they chose to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. He would not subject his son and daughter to hardship and death of their bodies unless it be of their own choice. They must choose for themselves. They chose wisely, in accord with the heavenly law of love for others."

"Glorious Mother Eve" 
Doctrine and Covenants 138: 38-39--"Among the great and mighty ones who were assembled in this vast congregation were Father Adam, the Ancient of Days and father of all,
And our glorious Mother Eve, with many of her faithful daughters who had lived through the ages and worshiped the true and living God."

Beverley Campbell: "Eve, first woman of earthly creation, companion of Adam, and mother and matriarch of the human race, is honored by Latter-day Saints as one of the most important, righteous, and heroic of all the human family. Eve's supreme gift to mankind, the opportunity of life on this earth, resulted from her choice to become mortal."

Sheri Dew:
Eve "made the most courageous decision any woman has ever made and with Adam opened the way for us to progress. She set an example of womanhood for men to respect and women to follow, modeling the characteristics with which we as women have been endowed: heroic faith, a keen sensitivity to the Spirit, an abhorrence of evil, and complete selflessness. Like the Savior, 'who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,' Eve, for the joy of helping initiate the human family, endured the Fall. She loved us enough to help lead us."

Sarah Kimball:
Eve is to be giving "reverent honor for taking the initiative to partake of the fruit."

Emmeline B. Wells:
"We are taught that Eve was the first to sin. Well, she was simply more progressive than Adam. She did not want to live in the beautiful garden for ever, and be nobody--not able even to make her own aprons."

Eve as Example: 
President Henry B. Eyring:
"By revelation, Eve recognized the way home to God. She knew that the Atonement of Jesus Christ made eternal life possible in families. She was sure, as you can be, that as she kept her covenants with her Heavenly Father, the Redeemer and the Holy Ghost would see her and her family through whatever sorrows and disappointments would come. She knew she could trust in Them."

Elder John A. Widstoe:
"In life all must choose at times. Sometimes, two possibilities are good; neither is evil. Usually, however, one is of greater import than the other. When in doubt, each must choose that which concerns the good of others--the greater law--rather than that which chiefly benefits ourselves--the lesser law. The greater must be chosen whether it be law or thing. That was the choice made in Eden."

Anyway, there is good sampling of some of the quotes I've found about Eve and the Fall. Of course there is so much more, and if any of you would like to talk more about this, I would love to. It's something I'm passionate about, if you couldn't tell. :)

I think one reason I love Eve's story so much is because her story is our story. Of course, none of us will have to make the decision of leaving Eden to become mortal. That was Adam and Eve's choice. That was the hardest choice Eve ever had to make. (And it must have been terrifying to her not knowing if Adam would make the same choice to leave Eden and choose to be with her--I can only imagine her fear.)

But, each of us will have those crossroads in our lives where we have to choose between staying in our figurative Edens . . . or stepping out into that dark, scary, unknown world without knowing exactly what is ahead of us. And in those moments, we can look to Eve as an example of faith and agency. She sacrificed Eden for something better--she sacrificed Eden for a chance to work out her own salvation. And that is beautiful to me.

The Joy of Our Redemption, by Al Young

[For more reading on this subject, I recommend Beverley Campbell's Eve and the Choice Made in Eden, Camille Fronk Olson's Women of the Old Testament, Beverley Campbell's "Mother Eve, Mentor for Today's Woman: A Heritage of Honor, and Valerie Hudson Cassler's "The Two Trees.")

Share the Gift, Receive the Gift

I would be remiss if I did not post this lovely video.



It is a beautiful reminder of why we celebrate Christmas.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him, should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

But we can only share this gift if we receive Him into our lives.

С Рождеством христовым.

Seeking vs. Assuming

Last summer I had the wonderful opportunity of interning at the Church History Library in Salt Lake City. In addition to working in the archives and getting to learn and write about the lives of incredible Mormon women, I also enjoyed time to ponder to-and-from work on the Front Runner and during lunch on Temple Square. Another perk of the Church History Library is that they have good Mormon artwork on all of their walls--the kind of artwork that you wish your chapel had. [Now, I know a lot of people would disagree with me. I know that what makes "good" art is an entirely different debate and not one I want to enter right now. I also know that Church art serves its purpose . . . but for this blog post, just know that my favorite Mormon artists are Walter Rane and Minerva Teichert. And that the Church History Library has a lot of paintings by Walter Rane and Minerva Teichert, so it made me happy.]

Anyway, one of my favorite things was when I first got to work. I would climb up the back stairs of the Church History Library, reach the third floor, open the door, and turn left.

And there, on the far left wall, was one of my favorite paintings of the First Vision.

by Walter Rane 

I love this picture for many reasons. I think what I love the most is the look in Joseph's face. That look of surprise, relief, and awe that is evident in his eyes. He had no idea what his question would bring. But I love how he looks straight up and is bathed in light--an answer after months and years of seeking. He looks up in wonder, never expecting that the greatest theophany since the New Testament would happen to him. He had faith that God would answer him, but Joseph did not know that Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, would appear to him to answer his heartfelt question and soothe his fears. 

In Ukraine, there was a dear investigator who also loved this painting of the First Vision. "That's how I feel," he said. "I feel like that boy. Looking up, asking, but confused. Not sure what's going to happen next. But asking." 

I think that's beautiful. Because when it comes down to it, the story and experience of the First Vision is our own. I'm not saying that each of us will--or that we even need to--see the Father and the Son in this lifetime. But I do believe that we have to find out for ourselves that God lives and that He loves us. We have to seek His face, because if we do not comprehend God, we cannot comprehend ourselves. 

And in order to gain that light and knowledge, we have to seek. We have to seek, ask, and knock, and be willing to receive. 

As a student of history, and especially as a student of Church history, I think a lot about the connections between faith and history. Some people think that it's not possible to combine faith, reason, and history--that no true historian can bring faith into her studies, and that history is godless and undermining to faith and testimony. 

I disagree. 

My study of history has strengthened my faith. Not because I blindly believe what I am taught or that I refuse to accept historical facts. Because it is important to be thoughtful when learning by study and by faith. But in all areas of study, it is important that we do not come from a place of assumption. To assume from a place of belief or disbelief is dangerous because the assumption of  "Oh, I already know that," or, "There's no way that could have happened--it just doesn't work that way," leads to intellectual and spiritual pitfalls. 

The body and spirit, heart and mind need to go together. To place one over the other leads to neglect and makes it so we miss out on beautiful insights. Assuming closes us off to finding truth, and it closes our hearts to empathy and understanding. 

In matters of faith, reason, and history, it is important to seek rather to assume. Seeking requires action. It requires humility and going outside of your intellectual and spiritual comfort zone to ask questions . . . and to realize that there are some things that you might not ever understand. Not because the answers aren't there, but because our understanding or tools we have at the moment are inadequate. But we keep looking and keep seeking. Someday the answers will come. 

A willing, seeking mind is the first step to receiving revelation from God. It is also the first step in learning--whether academically or spiritually.  Just as Joseph Smith would not have received increased light and knowledge if he had not prepared himself  to seek answers to his questions, we close ourselves off to more light, knowledge, and truth if we choose not to seek. 

Seeking and faith go hand-in-hand. And something I have learned as I have tried to be a seeker of truth is the power of mercy and redemption. History is messy. It just is. It's not pretty. Church history is not pristine, either. Because history--any kind of history--deals with people. Imperfect, vain, clueless, scared, trying people. But, just because history is messy does not take away from those things that I have learned for myself to be true. Most importantly, I have learned about the absolute need for a Savior. We all need saving. We are a people in need of a Savior. His Atonement is real, and His work will go forth. 

But we have to find that out for ourselves. It is an individual journey into the Sacred Grove. But the answers are there. 

The question is whether or not we will choose to seek them.