Some Quarantine Updates

Earlier last week, Sam and I left Princeton to head down to DC. We knew that there would be stringent measures in the Northeast, and we wanted to be in DC with Sam's family if there were going to be lockdowns (which there subsequently have been--both in New Jersey and in DC). It was good we left earlier rather than later, since starting yesterday, there has been a travel advisory for New York and New Jersey. So we're in DC for the time being (though I really hope I can get back up to Princeton by the end of April). We'll see, I guess. There's so much uncertainty, so it's hard to plan--research, travel, anything, really.

[beautiful princeton in the springtime.]

[i'm convinced that princeton is prettiest in pink.]

Before leaving Princeton, I stopped by the library to gather up any odds and ends in my carrel and to say goodbye (since I really don't know if I'll be coming back there). I was only given a 30 minute slot to get what I needed. Luckily, I didn't have to grab all of my books, some friends had been able to gather together my books five days before--I was out of town and there was an unexpected announcement that they were closing the library for a couple of days, and some friends (shout out to Miri, Bailey, and James) answered my panicked texts and went to go get my books out of my carrel for me. There ended up being about 3 boxes of books and 6-tote-bags of books. In other words, I would not have been able to get all of my books out in 30 minutes. So I am incredibly grateful to them for doing that. Instead, I was able to grab a couple of leftover things out of my carrel and just spend the time feeling melancholy and nostalgic instead of panicked.

[sign of the times]

[empty reading room. very abnormal.]

[everything is GONE. so, SO weird.]

[of course i had to document myself feeling sad. i mean, i guess i didn't have to. but i did.]

[documenting for posterity's sake. and my vanity's sake. but also, look how tired my eyes are. this has been A RIDE.] 

[the vastness of eternity.]

While in quarantine, I've been organizing my research files, writing, reading secondary sources, trying to learn more French, brushing up on my Russian, stress baking, and taking daily walks (although it's much more fun to call them "daily constitutionals"). Writing those things down make it sound like I'm being more productive than I really am. I promise you--I am not being as productive as I usually am. 

[more signs of the time from our passive-aggressive neighbors in princeton.]

[making pancakes.]

[now onto cookies.]

[walks around tacoma park.]

[beautiful cherry blossoms. not the ones around the tidal basin, because those are #offlimits, but these ones in a tacoma park neighborhood were beautiful, too.]

[a rare day when i actually get dressed AND do makeup.]

[maybe it's her, maybe it's quarantine. JK, this one is definitely a maybelline--or a maybelline-adjacent--look.]

Another thing I am doing while I listen to audiobooks is this dot puzzle. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's kind of like a color-by-number picture, but instead you stick on little dots with wax to create a picture: 

[you can't really see the picture, but it's to the right and it will be van gogh's "cafe at night" when we finish it.]

It's mindless, but it also is one of those things where I feel like I'm actually producing something tangible, so it helps me deal with stress. 

Hope you're all healthy, safe, and well during these "unprecedented times" (as every email from Princeton's administration likes to call them). 

Love and Loss in the Time of Coronavirus

In the words of a timely meme which I've seen on various social media posts, what a year this week has been.

We have all been affected in similar and different ways. Some of us have loved ones who have contracted the illness. Maybe you've contracted it yourself (and if you have or do, I wish you a speedy recovery). Most of us have had events, travel, school, or important rituals cancelled or postponed indefinitely. My heart aches for my undergraduate friends at Princeton who have had to leave friends, studies, athletics so abruptly and who won't be able to participate in graduation ceremonies.

My own work has been disrupted. Yesterday, the National Archives closed indefinitely (as have many other archives in the United States and around the globe), and since university-funded travel is on hold, this pandemic probably puts back my research at least six months--more likely a year. A couple of academic conferences I planned to present at have been cancelled or postponed--including one at Oxford that I was really looking forward to because two close friends and I had put together a panel and were looking forward to seeing each other.

I realize that these cancellations are the responsible thing to do for the public health. And I realize that there are worse things than cancellations. But the loss is still real, as is the uncertainty. All of this loss, ambiguity, and anxiety seems oddly juxtaposed with the arrival of spring.

And I think it is okay to feel that loss.

Social distancing is needed, but isolation, separations, and cancellations are hard. We crave connection, and this next while will change the ways we are able to give and receive love. I think about my own church community, among members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So much of what we do to help people is centered on literally reaching out--bringing over meals, hugging someone who is sad, visiting the sick in hospitals, placing hands on heads to give blessings of comfort and healing. During times of trouble, we want to give and receive touch. We want to break bread together. We want to gather during good and bad times to show love and to be loved.

It is hard when those bonds are broken. But all I know is that we can't stop reaching out; we have to find ways to create and strengthen those bonds. There are so many ways to love. Maybe ways we've forgotten about and which we only remember when we are faced with a crisis.

I don't really have much else to say at the moment. But if you are looking for the words of someone who is wiser than I am, I will direct you to Maryan Shumway's blog posts about living in China during the time of the Coronavirus. There are too many articles and memes and such floating around social media (and so many that, to me, are full of empty platitudes), but her blog posts have calmed my heart during these times.

I don't know what the next year, week, or even day will bring, but stay healthy and happy, my friends.

an early spring.

Spring is here and i think it's here to stay, complete with an ~almost~ 70-degree day forecasted for next Monday. It's too early, I know. But still, I'm enjoying going outside more. It's nice to be able to take a walk when I am going stir-crazy from reading too much rather than just do two dozen jumping jacks or something. 

[snowdrops in the woods.]

And hopefully we can all keep going outside during these next few weeks. It's impossible to know what will happen with the spread of Covid-19. Today at Costco the shopping carts were full of thought-to-be-essentials. The cashier was laughing at us all, and he didn't even give me a chance to ask why. He just started explaining that it all reminded him of some zombie movie. Like we were all preparing for the apocalypse. 

But if a quarantine were to happen, perhaps that would mean I would get more reading and writing done. I'm getting to a point in this stage of my PhD program/dissertation research when I am asking myself, "But when do I start writing?" It feels like I have too much to know still before I actually put something down, but I know intellectually and intuitively that's the wrong way to think about it. I'll just have to make the leap and start writing. 

[crocus by the street lamp.]

Although, to be honest, if a quarantine were to happen, it would most likely mean that I would just start watching more videos. I re-discovered that I have access to Kanopy via Princeton, which means I have access to thousands of movies and documentaries. I also found out that they have "Middlemarch" on Amazon Prime. This is great for my Friday nights. Not so great for my thesis. 

And since it is one of those Friday nights when my heart and head are tired, I think that calls for the first hour of BBC's "Middlemarch." So if you'll excuse me, I think I'll settle in for the night and begin the saga. 

Stay healthy, stay safe, stay strong. 

the limits of longing

"Go to the Limits of Your Longing," by Rainer Maria Rilke (Book of Hours I, 59)


God speaks to each of us as he makes us, 
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear: 

You, sent out beyond your recall, 
go to the limits of your longing. 
Embody me. 

Flare up like a flame 
and make big shadows I can move in. 

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. 
Just keep going. No feeling is final. 
Don't let yourself lose me. 

Nearby is the country they call life. 
You will know it by its seriousness. 

Give me your hand. 

Life as of late in three scenes

I.

This is the first semester where I have no university commitments outside of doing my research. I have no teaching commitments, no coursework . . . it's just me, myself, and archives. It is both freeing and overwhelming. The sheer amount of manuscripts, newspapers, letters, photographs, household accounts, odd notes is staggering. So many archives, so little time.

[view of the brandywine river from the hagley library.]

[taking a turn around the grounds.]

[oh haiiii.]

II.

Sam has a new job in D.C. Which is great, but it also is sad. Because I miss him. But in the lead up to his new job, we 1) celebrated his birthday, and 2) went up to New York City to take advantage of free museum passes. We also saw some friends while we were there. And while we were in NYC, we were reminded that getting up there is 3/4 of the reasons New York is exhausting. (The other 1/4 is because of the hustle, bustle, and all of the walking.) But there were nice parts, too. Like sitting in Central Park and eating our home-brought peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. For a few minutes, we forgot why New York was a hassle, and just enjoyed the quiet magic of the Upper West Side.

[i built sam a cake because i love him.]

[i mean. come on. who wouldn't love him?]

[no party pictures--because i ALWAYS forget. but did i forget to snap of selfie of me in the jumpsuit of my dreams? of course not.]

[free passes to the guggenheim are the best kinds of passes.]

[DINOSAURS.]

III.

Today was a beautiful day. I felt that as I walked on campus. That today was a good day. I had a good conversation with a professor about my work, I found useful materials for a conference presentation I'm working on, I enjoyed the cool breezes in the air. I listened to the sounds of Princeton as I walked back to my apartment--odd conversations about existentialism, the dulcet tones of a practicing clarinetist, laughter, the deep bass of the chapel's organ. It was a moment where I felt that I was still okay, here, in a PhD program. As difficult as they are and as frustrating as the academy can be, I am still okay here. And I hope I continue to be so.

A transcendent experience with cheese and bread

A couple of weeks ago, Sam and I went up to Brighton Beach, which is an area of Brooklyn which has a lot of native Russian speakers living there. I was having a blast--listening to Russian being spoken on the boardwalk, speaking to cashiers in Russian, and buying Ukrainian juice and candies.

[the ones on the right are my favorite.]

The highlight of that day, though, was going to the Georgian restaurant, and especially having the khachapuri. If you don't know what khachapuri is, it is a traditional Georgian dish which is essentially melted cheese in a bread boat.

And it is a revelation.

Seriously, every time we took a bite, it was like we were about to start weeping with joy. So. Good. DEFINITELY one of my top food experiences. If I am ever in Georgia, I'm guessing that the khachapuris there will be better, but then again, I'm not exactly sure. This one was so good. It changed all of our lives. You think I am exaggerating, but I am not.

Christmas Break in DC

For Christmas this year, Sam and I went down to DC to spend Christmas with Sam’s family. We had a nice break with family and friends. There was always good food, good company, good conversations, and lots of holiday cheer and fun excursions.

[good food.]

[fun excursions.]

[we saw a star war.]

[botanical gardens.]

[christmas cheer.]

[advent.]

[pie making.]

[nephew holding.]

[little women viewing.]

[another excursion, this time to annapolis. my dad was at the naval academy, so we made sure to snap a picture since we were thinking about him.]

One of my favorite excursions was a trip to the Glenstone Museum. It is a relatively new museum, and it specializes in modern art. Some of my favorite parts of the museum were the buildings themselves. The architecture was beautiful, and I liked being able to walk around the campus, as the museum had pieces of art located both inside and outside.

[do you see that rocking-horse-head shape up there? that is art.]

[this is art.]

[art.]

[this soup is art, too. i ate art.]

[one of my favorite things was just walking the grounds.]

[so beautiful.]

[also. it me.]

To ring in the New Year, we had a Just Dance Party. I think that's fitting. 

Also, in thinking about the New Year, I didn’t really make any New Year’s resolutions this year. Instead, I’m just trying to focus on small improvements/habits/goals without doing anything too grand. (And, this coming year is going to be one of a lot of archival research and projects, so I don't want to put too much pressure on myself.) However, one of those small goals is learning new recipes (in particular, I’ve really wanted to learn how to make soups). I made a kale, white bean, and sausage soup tonight and it turned out pretty good (if I do say so myself, #domesticgoddess). 

So, if any of you have soup recipes, please send them my way.