churches and trains, they all look the same to me now

Churches and trains

They all look the same to me now

They shoot you some place

While we ache to come home somehow. --"Amsterdam", Gregory Alan Isakov 

i've been on a gregory alan isakov kick for the past, oh, like, two weeks? ever since fall break (which was really great, btdubbs, just in case you were wondering--truly rejuvenating and good for my soul.) ever since driving down from princeton with samwise down to the land of dc and we listened to gregory alan isakov for a good portion of the trip. it's perfect music for road trips. just beautiful. soft. soothing. smart lyrics. and an acoustic guitar. perfection. 

[10/10 recommend the music. and the music video is lovely, too.]

i've been listening to a lot of gregory alan isakov outside of road trips, too. like while i've been on my couch, sick. yes, friends. i got sick. really sick. like, walking pneumonia sick. which is not as bad as regular-pneumonia sick, but still pretty miserable. i'm so much better now than i was this weekend. still, i have a lingering cough that i probably will have for a month and whenever a colleague asks me how i'm doing (since i missed a couple days of class to recover), i say, 

"much better." 

"did you find out what it is?" 

"oh yeah. i have walking pneumonia." 

and then they give me a look like i am walking death or carrying a zombie disease. which might be true. but the truth is, it's my own personal sorrow. 

how did i get it? karma? maybe. maybe it's just life telling me that i should be kinder to people who are mean to me or maybe it's life telling me that i should really focus on what matters because i don't plan on getting much out of my readings for the next couple weeks. and maybe ever. which is just life. for my table is still littered with tissues and empty cough drop wrappings with empty mugs which used to be filled with licorice tea. 

but i have learned a bit more of the kindness of people. of colleagues who show up to my apartment with bags of soup and orange juice and herbal tea, and friends who bring panera muffins and thermometers, and other friends who find me on campus to give me more herbal tea. and kind messages and a longsuffering boyfriend and a mother and sisters and brother and father who talk to me when i go stir crazy. and doctors who believe me when i say that i've taken a turn for a worse and then prescribe antibiotics which are saving my life. (and also the people at the pharmacy counter who were super patient with me as i was near-delirious trying to figure out why the prescription hadn't come in yet and called the health center to make sure that i could leave with health in my hands. thank you all of you.) 

i've had some classic meg moments recently. like when getting aforementioned antibiotics and the nice lady said to wait fifteen minutes and so i decided to wander around the grocery store in a daze, grabbing chicken noodle soup and gatorade. and then ten minutes later i ended up seeing that nice pharmacy lady also shopping, but then i felt like i had to avoid her, but then kept almost running into her and it was so embarrassing. 

but not as embarrassing as going into a professor's office hours and then somehow my water bottle opened and spilled a disgusting amount of water onto the floor and that was just great. just really, really great. eh. it happens. 

so does fall. it's still happening. and it's beautiful. 

Children of dust and ashes

Sometimes I randomly find new or old musicals and get obsessed with one or two songs from those musicals. (Sometimes, it's the entire musical, like with Hamilton.) But the other day a New York Times update buzzed on my phone saying that a musical called Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812 had been nominated for 12 Tony awards.

It caught my attention because it's an adaptation of War and Peace. And basically anything that has to do with Tolstoy or War and Peace will definitely catch my attention.

Anyway. I've been listening to the some songs. And there's one that I'm just obsessed with. It's sung by Pierre, who is (arguably) the main character of the novel. Pierre's great. And by great, I also mean that he's confused, searching, kind, selfish, and ultimately has a beautifully messy soul. I love his character arc and watching him grow. He has a lot of "ah-a!" moments in the novel, but they don't always last (but that's also so realistic--often we have those moments where we recognize that we have to change, and we fully want to, but then life happens and we forget, or we lose our zeal--and then we have to be reminded of our need to change--and the other beautiful thing about Tolstoy novels is that there is no statute of limitations of the amount of times someone can recommit to changing their lives).

The song I've been obsessed with (and thus the one that gets featured on my blog) is a song sung by Pierre after he's dueled a friend of his (such a trope in Russian novels and it never goes well), and he realizes that he has to make some major life changes. And the song is just so beautiful, powerful, and full of Russian existential angst--it captures the essence of Pierre:






Is this how I die? 
Ridiculed and laughed at
Wearing clown shoes. 
Is this how I die? 
Furious and reckless 
Sick with booze. 

How did I live? 
I taste every wasted minute
Every time I turned away 
From the things that might have healed me. 
How long have I been sleeping?

Is this how I die? 
Frightened like a child
Lazy and numb. 
Is this how I die? 
Pretending and preposterous 
and dumb. 

How did I live? 
Was I kind enough and good enough? 
Did I love enough? 
Did I ever look up 
and see the moon 
and the stars
and the sky? 
Oh why I have been sleeping?  

They say we are asleep 
until we fall in love. 
We are children of dust and ashes. 
But when we fall in love we wake up 
And we are a God 
and angels weep. 
But if I die here tonight
I die in my sleep. 

All of my life I spent searching the words
of poets and saints and prophets and kings
and now at the end all I know that I've learned
is that all that I know is I don't know a thing. 

So easy to close off 
place the blame outside 
hiding in my room at night
so terrified. 
All the things I could have been 
but I never had the nerve
love and life
I don't deserve. 

So all right, all right
I've had my time
close my eyes
let the death bells chime. 

Bury me in burgundy 
I just don't care. 
Nothing's left
I've looked everywhere.

Is this how I die? 
Was there ever any other way my life could be? 
Is this how I die? 
Such a storm of feelings inside of me?  

But then why am I screaming? 
Why am I shaking? 
Was there something that I missed? 
Did I squander my divinity? 
Was happiness within me the whole time? 

They say we are asleep 
Until we fall in love 
We are children of dust and ashes. 
But when we fall in love we wake up 
and we are a God
and angels weep. 
But if I die here tonight 
I die in my sleep. 

They say we are asleep 
until we fall in love. 
And I'm so ready 
to wake up now. 

I want to wake up. 
Don't let me die while I'm like this. 
I want to wake up 
Don't let me die while I'm like this
Please let me wake up now
Don't let me die while I'm like this
I'm ready
I'm ready 
To wake up. 

There you go. My latest/not-so-latest obsession (because I've been obsessed with Tolstoy for years now). But it just speaks to my soul. And I love Pierre.

"It was clear and frosty. A dark, starlit heaven looked down on the black roofs and the dirty, dusky streets. Only by looking up at the sky could Pierre distance himself from the disgusting squalor of all earthly things as compared with the heights to which his soul had now been taken. 

“And there in the middle, high about Prechistensky Boulevard, amidst a scattering of stars on every side but catching the eye through its closeness to the earth, its pure white light and the long uplift of its tail, shone the comet, the huge, brilliant comet of 1812, that popular harbinger of untold horrors and the end of the world. But this bright comet with its long, shiny tail held no fears for Pierre. Quite the reverse: Pierre’s eyes glittered with tears of rapture as he gazed up at this radiant star, which must have traced its parabola through infinite space at speeds unimaginable and now suddenly seemed to have picked its spot in the black sky and impaled itself like an arrow piercing the earth, and stuck there, with its strong upthrusting tail and its brilliant display of whiteness amidst the infinity of scintillating stars. This heavenly body seemed perfectly attuned to Pierre’s newly melted heart, as it gathered reassurance and blossomed into new life.” (War and Peace 663)

done with my graceless heart

What I'm listening to right now: 

florence + the machine

hamilton 

alicia keys 

Oh haiiii, friends. 

Posts about Em's wedding and Sam's visit coming up soon, I promise. 

Also, I finalllllly heard back from all of the schools I applied to for History PhD programs! I have a few options and you know that I will agonize/am already agonizing about the decision, haha. But I am happy to have four really good options to choose from.* (And I will let my adoring fans know where I end up choosing, don't you fret.) 

But in the meantime, just enjoy this pretty picture: 

/via/

*I realize that people will want to know what schools I'm choosing from. They are the University of Missouri, Boston University, the University of Maryland, and Princeton. I'll be doing campus visits next month. Exciting times. :) 

what i'm listening to

. . . and no, none of these songs is a passive-aggressive attempt to get attention (except in the way all blog posts kinda are), nor is it an post to subtly-not-so-subtly tell the world how I'm feeling about my love life (I feel like I have to preface it that way or people will wonder. Oh, the joys of 21st-century communication). They are just songs that have been singing on my playlist and in my head. Songs that I listen to as I get ready in the morning or do admin work. Poetry on repeat.

cinder and smoke, iron and wine.


you asked me to pray for rain // the juniper bends as if you were listening. 

your ex-lover is dead, stars.
[please ignore the cheesy stars/moon mobile thing and just listen to the perfect blend of lyrics and melody.]




and all of that time you thought i was sad, i was trying to remember your name. // 
live through this and you won't look back. 

careful, guster.



as usual, you'll get your way. // ringing all the warning bells. // careful you don't hurt yourself. 

let me photograph you in this light.

I have a lot of catch up to do on the blog. It's been a full last couple of weeks as we've finished up Michaelmas Term--so many events. So many.

Also--I finished Michaelmas Term today! What?! It went so fast. And I definitely have more things to say about it, but my brain is kind of dead (end-of-term brain).

So right now, just enjoy this song by Adele from her album 25. 



And in case the video decides not to work: When We Were Young

There is something so cathartic in listening to her album. Especially if you happen to be on a train from Leeds to Oxford, watching the rain course down the windows.

Not that I speak from experience or anything.

Oh wait.

the black river of loss whose other side is salvation

thoughts for the day: 

Look, the trees are turning their own bodies into pillars of light, are giving off the rich fragrance of cinnamon and fulfillment, the long tapers of cattails are bursting and floating away over the blue shoulders of the ponds, and every pond, no matter what its name is, is nameless now. Every year everything I have ever learned in my lifetime leads back to this: the fires and the black river of loss whose other side is salvation, whose meaning none of us will ever know. To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.

---In Blackwater Woods, by Mary Oliver                                                                                                                    [via] song of the day: i can let go now, nathan east, featuring sara bareilles

Two of my favorite songs in one:

i don't love you, but i always will

Because sometimes beautiful music and classic poetry go hand-in-hand.



"I cannot live with You" by Emily Dickinson

I cannot live with You -
It would be Life -
And Life is over there -
Behind the Shelf

The Sexton keeps the key to -
Putting up
Our Life - His Porcelain -
Like a Cup -

Discarded of the Housewife -
Quaint - or Broke -
A newer Sevres pleases -
Old Ones crack -

I could not die - with You -
For One must wait
To shut the Other's Gaze down -
You - could not -

And I - Could I stand by
And see You - freeze -
Without my Right of Frost -
Death's privilege?

Nor could I rise - with You -
Because Your Face
Would put out Jesus' -
That New Grace

Glow plain - and foreign
On my homesick eye -
Except that You than He
Shone closer by -

They'd judge Us - How -
For You - served Heaven - You know,
Or sought to -
I could not -

Because You saturated sight -
And I had no more eyes
For sordid excellence
As Paradise

And were You lost, I would be -
Though my name
Rang loudest
On the Heavenly fame -

And were You - saved -
And I - condemned to be
Where You were not
That self - were Hell to me -

So we must meet apart -
You there - I - here -
With just the Door ajar
That Oceans are - and Prayer -
And that White Sustenance -
Despair -

The song and poem might have been created two hundred years apart, but their message is the same.

"I don't love you, but I always will."

in the collar of grace

. . . so, this post is also about The Winter's Tale. But I'm doing another post because my previous one is sooooooooo long.

But this. This song is absolutely beautiful.

And it reminds me of Winter's Tale. 

I have no idea if the artist even knows about Winter's Tale. But it matches perfectly.



Here are the lyrics:

Belief 
Makes things real
Makes things feel 
Feel alright. 

Belief 
Makes things true
Things like you
You and I. 

Tonight, you arrested my mind 
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth 
In the form of your body 
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me 

Belief 
Builds from scratch 
Doesn't have to relax
Doesn't need space
Long live the queen 
And I'll be the king 
In the collar of grace. 

Oh, tonight you arrested my mind 
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth 
In the form of your body 
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me 
Belief 

I'm gonna yell it from the rooftops 
I'll wear a sign on my chest
That's the least I can do
It's the least I can do . . .

Tonight, you arrested my mind 
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth 
In the form of your body 
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me 
And I'll stand by my 
Belief. 

"Long live the queen, and I'll be the king in the collar of grace."

"It is required you do awake your faith."

I'll stand by my belief.

My belief in hope, wonder, and miracles.

you will see your beauty every moment that you rise

This song is beautiful and I can't get enough of it.



You really should listen to it.

And here are the lyrics:

"You are the Moon," The Hush Sound

Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark 
Emerging from the gentle grip of night's unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone? 
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone. 

You don't see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier
All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas
The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe. 

I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
You will see your beauty every moment that you rise.

And still, I rise.

and if you wait for someone else's hand, then you will surely fall down

I have been obsessed with this song lately. And this video.

Turn to Stone from Melissa Marquez on Vimeo.

and learn our souls are all we own
before we turn to stone. 

hearts too big to fit our beds. 

but brother how we must atone
before we turn to stone. 


Beautiful.

who the hero took for lover

One of my dearest friends sent this song to us (and by us I mean emmers and me) a few weeks ago. It is hauntingly beautiful, and it captivates me.




I love how intelligent and thoughtful the lyrics are (with references to Victorian literature, even). And the music is just beautiful.

but when it comes to flesh and bones, you remind me of shalott--only made of shadows, even though you're not. 

everybody loves a hero, an image to create, 
antithesis of everything inside ourselves we hate, 
but you'd better close your eyes when it's time for them to die, 
cuz you'd hate to think the life you'd build upon them was a lie. 

oh, to reach through all your surface, just to find an empty pool
and to suffer all your pride, as i lay down by your side, 
and you swallowed up my heart, and left me a fool--
left me a fool. 

So sad. But so beautiful.

I know this song has to do with an ending relationship, but I think it can also apply to other things in life, too. Those moments when what we think we have is real, only to discover that we were fooled--"to reach through all your surface, just to find an empty pool." Accepting that disillusionment and disappointment cuts to the bone.

Life is full of those moments.

And you know what? It is also important to remember that the journey wasn't worthless. Even if we do find an empty pool at the end of what we thought would be something rich, full, and beautiful. The trick is seeing the contrast between the grey disappointment and bright expectations, the joy and the sorrow, the despair and hope. That tapestry of life.

Year in Review via Ingrid and Sara

. . . so, a disclaimer first. I'm really bad at doing year-in-reviews. Like, really bad. I think part of it is because I divide my life up into seasons/semesters, not years . . . so this might end up being more of a semester-in-review instead of a year-in-review. Happens. And I don't even want to really do an entire month-by-month year-in-review. That's way too much work for me and no one really cares. (Okay, okay, maybe three people care. If you're really interested, just give me a call. And if you want to see a good year-in-review, you should read Dave Barry's. Because his are always hilarious.)

But, I decided that I need to do a shout-out to two of my favorite singers who I've listened to incessantly this year: Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. I love Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson, and it's kind of uncanny how well their songs match my life at exactly the right moments (especially in relation to the ups-and-downs of dating).

My love for all things Sara and Ingrid was only confirmed by Ingrid Michaelson's great new album in April, and I listened to it all summer. Soooo, the Summer of 2014 essentially became the Summer of Ingrid. Wahooooo.

Anyway. So, since I divide my life up into seasons/semesters and not years, here are the songs which I've both loved and related to this year.

Winter 2014:
Girls Chase Boys, Ingrid *
Everybody, Ingrid
Manhattan, Sara *
Between the Lines, Sara *

Spring/Summer 2014:
Over You, Ingrid
Be OK, Ingrid
Let the Rain, Sara *
Mountain and the Sea, Ingrid *
Breathe Again, Sara *
Hold My Heart, Sara *

Fall 2014:
Do It Now, Ingrid *
Afterlife, Ingrid
Are We There Yet, Ingrid *
Brave, Sara
Chasing the Sun, Sara *
Bright Lights and Cityscapes, Sara *
The Light, Sara *
Giving Up, Ingrid *


There you go. I realize that there are a lot of songs. I also realize that the majority of them are from Fall 2014--like I said, I'm better at remembering semester-by-semester, not the entire year. If you don't listen to all of them, the ones with asterisks are the most relevant. BUT all of these songs relate in some way or another. They document a growth-filled year where I learned so much about hope, expectation, disappointment, resilience, courage, and trust. I'm sure that 2015 will be similar, but in different ways.

If anything, I'm glad that these two brilliant ladies provide the perfect soundtrack for my life.