a birthday list.

For my birthday this year, Sam and I took a short trip to the Shenandoah Valley. It was beautiful and relaxing. Sam also asked some of my friends and family to write down birthday wishes, and it was moving and lovely to read them.

[blurry early morning birthday hike]

[so pretty]

A couple of my friends (who have recently turned 30), reassured me that it’s “much better on the other side.” I take comfort in that, because (to be honest) I kind of dreaded turning 30 (for the record, though, I’m not afraid about turning 31? I don’t know why certain numbers loom larger than others). Maybe it’s just because I know my cells are irretrievably dying now, maybe it’s because it feels like doors are closing (the twenties, for all of their difficulties—and there are many!—have so many possibilities and paths to choose from, and 30 just feels more . . . staid, I guess), maybe it’s because I can feel my body getting older.

But I am going to do my best (although I know I won’t do it perfectly) to embrace this new decade in a world that doesn’t like women to age. And to celebrate, I wanted to write down 30 experiences that have shaped me. They are written in no particular order, rather what comes to mind.

 1. I was born. Obviously, I don't remember this at all, but this was, without question, a defining moment in my life. 

2. When I was in first grade, I almost lost consciousness from choking on an apple slice at lunch. A teacher (I still remember his name, Mr. Bissell) who was on lunch duty saw that I was slumped over, came to where I was sitting, and did the Heimlich Maneuver on me. He saved my life. I am very grateful for him, and reflecting on that experience over the years has helped me recognize the frailty of life.

3. Also when I was in first grade, I won a trip to Disneyland. That was a good day, and a good trip.

4. Speaking of the fragility of life, I got walking pneumonia when I was in second grade (which was my least favorite grade, so actually, it was kind of nice to have an excuse to be absent from school and just work on puzzles with my mom), and then, during my first semester of my PhD program, I got double pneumonia. Not fun at all. I’ve also had bronchitis a couple of times. Here’s hoping I don’t get Covid, because I have a feeling (with my history of bad respiratory illnesses), it would not be pretty.

5. Stories have always meant a lot to me. Growing up, organizing imagination games with my sisters and cousins was a favorite pastime of mine, and I have also spent countless hours writing stories, thinking of stories, and reading stories.

6. I have blessed to be surrounded by a loving family all throughout my life. I have a large extended family, and my life has been filled with love from my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-aunts and great-uncles, cousins, second cousins, and more. My life has been shaped and will continue to be shaped by them and by Sam’s family.

7. I moved around a few times growing up. I never liked moving initially (I was always sad to leave my friends), but looking back, I can see that it did teach me a lot about resilience and about how to make new friends (and keep old ones).

8. I have traveled to 31 countries. I realize that this is something more people wish they could do, and I do feel very grateful and humble that I have had these opportunities to travel. I always have a “wish list” of places I could go to next. Currently high on that list is Central Asia. We’ll see if that happens anytime soon.

9. I have traveled to 35 states. (I am writing this post belatedly, in late November instead of late October, and have now visited Hawaii, but by the time of my birthday, I had traveled to 34 states.)  

10. Among the countries I have traveled to, I have lived in 3—the U.S.A., the UK, and Ukraine.

11. Among the states I have traveled to, I have lived in 5—Utah, Missouri, Maryland, Nevada, and New Jersey. (I’ve also lived in D.C., but that’s not a state.) 

12. Education means so much to me. When I was in the Young Women’s program growing up at Church, my favorite “Young Women values” were always Knowledge and Integrity. I really do think that knowledge is a way to bless others and to build up our communities. I am grateful for the chance I have had to get a good education. Currently, I have 4 degrees (high school, bachelors, 2 masters degrees—one from Oxford and one from Princeton). I am currently working on my 5^th degree—a PhD degree in History from Princeton.

13. Additionally, although I did not get a degree from Cambridge, the summer term I spent there after my freshman year of university was life-changing. I still think about Cambridge and the people I met there often. It truly set me on the trajectory I am on now.

14. My chosen field of study—History—has been deeply influenced by my chosen field of study at BYU, which was English. Both disciplines have expanded my world view, taught me about the importance of empathy, and have also helped me learn more about dealing with uncertainty. I think that both of these disciplines embody one of my favorite scriptures from the Doctrine and Covenants: “Teach ye diligently, and my grace shall attend you, that you may be instructed more perfectly in theory, in principle, in doctrine, in the law of the gospel, in all things that pertain unto the kingdom of God, that are expedient for you to understand; Of things both in heaven and in the earth, and under the earth; things which have been, things which are, things which must shortly come to pass; things which are at home, things which are abroad; the wars and the perplexities of the nations, and the judgments which are on the land; and a knowledge also of countries and kingdoms—That ye may be prepared in all things when I shall send you again to magnify the calling whereunto I have called you, and the mission with which I have commissioned you” (D&C 88:78-80).  

15. In regards to my PhD research, I study gender in 19^th century U.S. foreign relations. A lot of what I study are women’s stories which have been looked over (I study masculinity, too, but a large part of my focus is women’s history). Women’s lives and women’s experiences are really important to me, and, at this moment, this is where my interests and talents have brought me.

16. My relationship with God is one of the most dynamic, precious things in my life. It has been important to me since I was a child, and I take making promises with God (through baptism, taking the sacrament, through the sacrament of marriage, etc.) very seriously. My relationship with God has changed over the years—not because God changes, but because my understanding of God changes over time—and I know it is something which will continue to develop.  

17. When I was 21 years old, I chose to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was called to serve in Donetsk, Ukraine. I have talked about Ukraine so much on this blog, and it still is not enough to describe how much my experience in Ukraine changed my life. But it did. I am forever changed because of the experiences I had and the people I met in Ukraine. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done up to this point (the PhD sometimes contends—and might pull ahead), but it was also the most rewarding. You can take the girl out of the mission, but you can’t take the mission out of the girl.

18. While I was in Ukraine, I remember one of our friends saying to me, “Sestra Armknecht, you will never want for people to love you; you will always have friends wherever you go.” I have been fortunate enough that this is the case in my life. I have had so many friends who have touched my life for good. This is especially the case with female friends. Maybe it’s because I grew up with mostly sisters and with a lot of female cousins, but I have so many wonderful female friends. From roommates to mission companions, from graduate school friends to friends in my church congregations, I have been blessed to know so many amazing women.  

19. I have been published in multiple venues. My most meaningful publication so far was a story series about Grace Vlam (a WWII survivor of the Dutch Hunger Winter) I did for the children’s magazine for the Church, The Friend. 

20. I have spoken in front of thousands of people when I read my winning Brimhall essay at the Homecoming Devotional at BYU. I naturally speak very fast, so I tried to keep my voice steady throughout and not think about everyone staring. I think it went all right.

21. I love music, and I love making music. I’ve been singing since I was two, I’ve played piano since I was five, and I loved learning to play the French horn during junior high and high school.  

22. I enjoy learning different languages. I took German throughout junior high, high school, and part of college, learned Russian on my mission, and am now attempting to learn French for my history research work. I should probably learn Spanish, too. I have found that learning a different language—and learning about the literature and culture surrounding that language—really opens my mind, heart, and perspective to different ways of understanding the world (and myself).

23. I love Sam Dearden. Our love story is one of the biggest miracles of my life.  

24. I learned how to rock climb in the past few years. Sam is an avid rock climber, and so he taught me how when we started dating. I don’t like heights very much, and climbing has not taken away that fear, but I do have a lot of trust in ropes, knots, and Sam. Rock climbing has taught me that I can learn new things. I’ve never been incredibly athletic (and my mom, who is athletic, can attest that I was not always the most willing/patient participant in learning new sports), but I think something changed around my mission where I realized that even if I was not particularly good at something, to keep trying anyway. Anyway, I’m glad that I’ve kept up with rock climbing.

25. I love Russian literature. One of the best classes I took at BYU was a Tolstoy class, and the lessons learned from War and Peace and Anna Karenina and the Death of Ivan Ilych still resonate with me. (Also, Sam and I often joke that he taught me rock climbing, and he has read Russian literature—one of the joys of marriage is that you can learn to appreciate and even love the different interests of your spouse.)

26. I haven't really met a lot of celebrities—unless you count Latter-day Saint “celebrities” (e.g., apostles). I met a lot of them when I worked in the Church Office Building.

27. The closest thing I have to meeting a pop celebrity is Jameela Jamil at a James Blake concert. We went for Sam’s birthday and she walked past us to get the sound box, and then tapped Sam on the shoulder when she needed to get through.

28. I loved growing up in the valleys of the Wasatch Mountains, and I enjoy hiking. I am not a daredevil hiker (and not the biggest fan of steep hikes), but I love being out in the mountain air, seeing the views, and spending time with family and friends on hikes. 

29. October is definitely my favorite month, and fall my favorite season. In many ways, fall feels like the beginning of a new year more than January does. Perhaps it’s because school years start again the fall, or because my birthday is in the fall, or because of the change in seasons. But I do love the way nature demands to be recognized in a blaze of glory before winter sets in.

30. Okay, fine. Being 30 is not going to be as bad as I think. I have experienced a lot of good and hard in the past thirty years, and I am experienced enough to know that life is not fair, and that life is hard, but also that life can be beautiful and good. I think there will be a lot of good things ahead, even if right now everything feels mired down in uncertainty.

      Happy (belated) birthday to me.